Monday, August 17, 2009

self sabatoge

183lbs March 2009

Check SpellingI wanted to write this blog for me. Taking a little of my own advice. Yes, that's hard to swallow sometimes for me. I haven't blogged about my weight loss or my struggles. Kind of thought that was my Husbands deal and I would leave that for him, but last night as I couldn't sleep again. I laid in bed thinking about all the "bloggers" he had just introduced me to and how reading about their struggles and daily life issues really had my mind a reeling.

I started my life style change in March 2009 a few months after my husband's diet change in January. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to start or stop one more diet and I sure wasn't ready to let go of my comfort that I had developed with food. So for a few more months I was a total bitch and as he ate his lean cuisine I would order Chinese food, pizza, wings, KFC or make up a giant batch of fettuccine. I was almost daring him to stay on the dark side with me. Stay in the place where we were comfortable, not happy, just comfortable.

See, before my pregnancy in 2005, I never really had a weight issue. I pretty much ate what I wanted and occasionally worked out. A long walk with the dogs or an elliptical machine marathon or maybe dust off the Bow flex for a few workouts. I never got the issue that people had with weight loss. Just do it. It's not that hard. Oh, this was some major fights between Joe and I.
During my pregnancy I was a model citizen. No pop, no candy (okay a stray brownie did find it's way into my mouth, but rarely) lots of fruit and veggies and plenty of whole grains. I believed wholly in the theory healthy mom, equals healthy baby.
Well as most of you know that isn't exactly how it ended for us. Our baby was not healthy in any way, shape or form. And as I sat in the NICU for the next eight weeks the baby weight that I had gained (30lbs exactly) melted off of me. My appetite was no longer thriving, but neither was my activity level, so they matched each other.
It wasn't until we brought our baby home did I start to see a problem with myself. I would find myself crying and eating at the same time. Worrying and eating, Laughing and eating. I think you get the picture. I was medicating myself with food. My marriage was rough, my baby was damaged and my life was forever changed in ways I couldn't comprehend.

I gained the first 10 lbs and I remember thinking. "No big deal. I'll just diet when I feel better." I remember seeing my 26Th birthday pictures that Joe took of me and thinking, "ugh, I might need to watch myself a little closer. I can't believe how fat I look." I allowed myself to accept the excuses that people gave me and I gave myself.
"You just had a baby."
"Staying home is hard, you'll find you niche."
"You have more things to worry about now then your weight."
"I don't have time to exercise, let alone shower."

Then in October of 2007 I found out I was pregnant again. My first Doctor's appointment was rough. I remember stepping on the scale and thinking "SH*T, I'm about to add another 30 lbs to this number!"
I wasn't as diligent with my second pregnancy as my first. Fast food was almost always on the menu and even an occasional pop found its way in my stomach and I'm certain that Brownies were always eaten in large portions.
I ended my pregnancy at a whopping 203 lbs. (I am only 5'2") I will always remember this number because no matter what, I promise myself I will never see this number again no matter what.
The 3o lbs (exactly) I gained fell off immediately, thanks to a very hungry breast feed baby.

The remainder of the weight stayed put and stayed put good. I tried my previous tactics of cutting back for a few days, or going for a quick walk, even jumping on my daughter's trampoline for a total of 2 minutes before quitting. But this time the scale didn't move, in fact, August 2008 I actually gained even more weight.

This is where I stayed, teeter and tottering, a few numbers back and forth until March of 2009. When I finally wrapped my brain around itself and took control of my life.
Now, at 140.8 (this morning) I am finding myself at yet another impasse.

I have realized that I am keeping myself from succeeding. Why? I don't know. Scared? Maybe, of what, I'm not sure.
My goal is 130lbs. And the lowest the scale has read is 137lbs on my birthday, but since that date I have been on a mission to make this number further from my grasp.
The cravings have started again, the depression over everything (life itself) gaining in momentum, almost enjoying the softness that my body is getting from the lack of exercise, the exhaustion from the poor eating. Watching as the scale has slowly climbed back up~until last night as I read Jack Sh*t Getting Fit's blog about the boiling frog, did I realize what I had been doing.

So here I am today. August 17, 2009. Making a new commitment to myself to lose those last 10 lbs and finally feel the success and happiness that comes along with the joy of looking and feeling great again.

Breakfast- Oatmeal, Splenda, Skim Milk and Blueberries
Lunch- Lean Cuisine (Swedish Meatballs) and a sliced Homegrown Tomato
Dinner- Making Turkey Chili (in the works as we speak)
Dessert -No ice cream or brownies or chocolate cake- Gonna try fresh raspberries and hope that does the trick.

I can do this!!!
140lbs August 2009

Saturday, August 1, 2009

My Love

As he got into his car to drive away and I walked the two children back into the house I was overwhelmed with emotion. I sat eating my lean cuisine and realized I was blinking back tears. From what and why? I sat for a moment as I shared my meal with 3 dogs and two, somehow still hungry, children and came upon the conclusion that it was pride that had me so close to tears.

Pride at how my Husband looked in his suit for his best friends wedding. Pride for how determined and motivated he has stayed over the last 8 months. Pride for knowing that he was all mine and always will be. Pride for the confidence that was radiating off of him that was not there just a few months back. Pride for the patience he was keeping as I clicked off pictures of him even though he was running late.

Joe, I am so proud of you! You have done an amazing job with your weight loss (115lbs so far) and your strive to better yourself, for not only you, but also your family. This means such a great deal to me when just 3 years ago I wondered how much longer your body (and the good Lord) was going to allow you to stay on this earth with us.

And I totally agree with the unspoken words of Bella when she seen you in your suit. "Hubba Hubba Dad!" At least that's what I believe her eyes said and would've spoken if possible.

We love you and support you 100%. Way to go my love.