Clear as Mud

Another birthday party this weekend equals tears for Mom at night. You see it's these times when we are surrounded by "normal" kids does Bella's weaknesses really show.

Don't get me wrong, we know how blessed we are for the progress she has made and the journey she has traveled so far in her life, but when your child is sectioned by herself because she can't keep up or communicate or even play correctly with the other kids her age, it breaks my heart. And the older she becomes the more even she notices the differences between herself and the other kids, including her own brother. When faced with social outings such as birthday parties or trips to the Zoo, my outgoing social butterfly becomes a complete introvert and lives in her own world ignoring all things around her, usually wanting to seclude herself someplace quite and dark and if she is unable to find this place, she just craves movement. Constant walking, sucking on toys or crying uncontrollably.

So yes, I am so happy that my Daughter is lucky that she has learned to walk, run, swim, etc., but as her Mother I wish for her more. I wish she could talk sentences and ride her bike with her cousins and "see" the animals at the zoo. I wish for her that everything wouldn't have to be so challenging for her, like stepping off a curb or climbing stairs or that the smallest bump wouldn't cause a terrible bruise(s). I wish for her that she could be just a boring old normal four year old with struggles like learning how to tie her shoe, instead of having such difficulty with finger isolation, that at this point, it seems impossible to even slip the shoes on.

I wish and hope each day that my darling, endearing little girl doesn't become lost inside herself from the constant struggles she faces and that one day she is able to live a 'normal' life that she deserves and only becomes stronger from the trials that was so unfairly given to her.

Remi turned 2

Wow, March? Really that's the last time I wrote a blog. I write so many in my head throughout the day that I forget to actually sit down and write them on a computer. That's the next great invention, an internal recording device. Or maybe that's the same as a recorder, minus the internal part.

My little boy turned two on the 13Th. It's crazy how fast time can go by, yet I think about individual times or memories and remember them lasting so long. Like Remi not sleeping through the night until he was 9months old. That was the longest nine months of my life. Or his colic for the first 3months, that almost had my stuffing him back where he came from. Then I think about this last year in particular and how much he grew and changed each day. The first time he sang "Twinkle, twinkle" in the car or told me he "wooved me" or his obsession with yellow items; cars, bananas, clothes, toys,etc. Or just like this morning when we woke up his sister (tables turned-rarity)and he curled up to her and grabbed her arm to lay across his body and said, "Hi sissy". Boo-hoo I just wanted to freeze time right then and there.

Received news last week that Remi would start Preschool, two mornings a week, at his sister's school (CCVI) this fall as a sighted peer. It will be with the same teacher that Bella started with and for that I am super excited. I can't wait to watch him grow and change even more as he is introduced into a social setting.

My little man is so special, with his sweet brown eyes and happy-go-lucky nature, he is a joy to be around and brings smiles to my life every day.

To the Rem-Dog

Venting!

Spring break next week for the kids? Yikes, forgot. What shall we do with ourselves??? Hopefully the weather decides if "spring warm" should be something it should test out or not. That's my vote anyways. I still don't always feel like I've mastered the art of parenting to two children. Maybe frazzled and sweaty is something that is a normal feeling and someone just forgot to clue me into this. Because I swear, take the kids into a store and no matter how calm I am or they are, we usually leave with someone mad, someone crying and someone feeling worn-out. You can guess who is who on each emotion.

Saint Patty's Day Parade at Bella's school. Guess who forgot to dress their little girl in green today? Yep, me! And I love Saint Patrick's Day. Since I'm 'mostly' Irish, you'd think I'd be all for this one and place it right up there with the other important ones; like birthdays and Christmas. Oh well, there is always next year.

Can't seem to find the energy for the gym!? Trolley Run is coming quickly (7weeks) and I am in sad, sad shape. Did I mention that I've signed up to run? Holy Sh*t!!!
Went to the gym Monday and ran pretty well for 2miles stopping only for a tenth of a mile to catch my breath, but then skipped last night due to bad mood. What? Bad mood, really?
Then here's the real kicker. Joe has been going to the gym in the mornings waking up at 5:30.
(Read: I'm a grouchy bear don't make a sound or I'll bite your head off 5:30am. I can be such a total B sometimes, mornings mostly.)
Anyways, he gets home this morning and climbs back in bed to tell me that he ran 3 miles straight without stopping and at a 5.5 clip. His personal best. I really was happy for him, but also jealous. Jealous? It's like a secret competition between us that we don't speak of, but both know that it lies there like sour milk only with chocolate bunny sprinkles* added to it to make taste a little sweeter. Maybe competition is okay to have among spouses, but jealousy? Not so much. I hated that he reached this mark before me. I hated that I didn't go to the gym last night and instead feasted on Popeyes Chicken for dinner topped off with Andy Caps fries while watching the dvr'd show, Biggest Loser

*Nestle Quik-Remi calls it "BunBun", which is his yellow bunny that he adores.

Looking for my motivation to eat well!? I think it found a super hiding spot and is not showing itself...Like a game of Marco Polo. Only when I scream "Marco" it never screams "Polo".
You get my drift.
Each week I arm the kitchen with only good food and have great hopes of "getting back to it", but somewhere around day two or three of healthy eating, I slip then start thinking "ah, what the hell, there is always tomorrow". I know nutty, yet it somehow makes since at the time.
I've went from 10 pounds to go until my goal to now 20 pounds. Yikes. And if I'm honest with myself and the numbers, I should probably adjust my goal to make it read thirty pounds to go until healthy weight is reached. I figure I'll play that trick on my mind when I'm in closer range of reaching the first goal.
I hate to say this, but I do believe I am setting myself up to fail before I have ever allowed myself to succeed. We have all watched enough Biggest Loser's, Jillian, to know that there is emotional issues playing into this and for the life of me, I swear I cannot figure out why I am doing this.

Thinking of hiring a personal trainer!? Still thinking on this one. I have this gym fear. I get all reserved once my time is up on the treadmill. Like, "well, now what?" I look around and at our gym it is 95% men and 2% fit women with the remainder (myself included) falling into a category that would probably be described as the Tries Hard group. You know the ones that seem to give it all they've got, but for some reason unknown by all, they just never seem to change their god-giving body shapes.
So maybe if I had scheduled appointments set with a trainer that would push and punish and make me accountable, this would help me turn a corner. Then again, it could just be a really expensive letdown?!?

More to come...

KC Trolley Run

Trolley Team ~ Bella’s Barracudas 2009

The IncrediBella’s

Dear Family and Friends,

It is Trolley Run time-the four-mile run/walk that we participate in each year to support Isabella’s school, The Children’s Center for the Visually Impaired (CCVI). The race is on Sunday, April 25, and we would love it if you would come walk with us. If you cannot walk with us, please consider making a donation to our CCVI Family Team, named The IncrediBella’s. We realize it is a tough economic time for everyone, but this is the time when CCVI needs us the most. Every donation, regardless of size, makes a difference.

You can donate directly through our personal website, listed at the bottom of this letter, or make a check out to CCVI and mail it to our home address at 1702 NW 63^rd Ter in Kansas City MO 64118. CCVI is a 501(c)(3) so you can write off your donation.

CCVI has done so much for Isabella and our family, that it is hard to even put those things into a letter.

*They gave us information and education to help guide us along this very foreign path to assure Bella is able to live a life to her fullest ability. Not to mention, along the way becoming our “Rays of Sunshine” when things seemed so dark and life altering. CCVI has been a part of our lives since Bella was 3 months old.

*CCVI has been responsible for teaching Bella to walk, run, climb up and down stairs and swim. The last being Bella’s personal favorite, jumping off the edge and swimming to the top, scaring her Mother to pieces and keeping her Therapist on their toes!

*CCVI has awarded Bella with the tools for communication, something in which she still has great difficulty. To not only participate in classroom activities, but also call the Grandparents on the phone. Isabella has been taught American Sign Language (ASL), Verbal speech and computer skills. In the last twelve months her verbal words have increased from 6 to 56!!! With attempts at placing two and three words together to make sentences. Isabella has become quite the little four year old with attitude to boot, yelling at her Brother, asking for more of a certain item or activity, saying “Momma”, or pretend playing with friends and toys.

*Isabella knows her colors, shapes, days of the week and ABC’s. Bella loves music with Mr. Mac on Mondays and circle time in the classroom.

*Now that the potty-training issues have been tackled, CCVI is working on independent activities, such as buttons, ties, snaps and successful washing of the hands without flooding the bathroom. Something Bella has been known to do from time-to-time.

All of this wouldn’t be possible without the therapy from CCVI. She gets physical therapy, aquatic therapy, occupational therapy, assistive technology/augmentative communication therapy, speech therapy , orientation and mobility and vision therapy. Because vision plays such a huge role in nearly everything we do, it is important for Isabella to get all this therapy through CCVI. There are a lot of things that have to be taught to these kids that sighted kids would learn just by watching others.

So, you can see just how important CCVI is – and this is just to one little girl. There are more than 300 other children that CCVI serves annually. We appreciated your support last year and hope to have your continued support this year!

Love,

Joe, Rachel, Isabella and Remington Riddell

http://public.eventunited.com/kcsc/sabateseyecentersTrolleyrun2010/TeamFundraising.aspx?tid=4207