Been fighting a cold all week, kids too. Had a scare in Bella's preschool class over swine flu. Yikes! We've had the flu shot, but not the H1N1 shot yet. So far looks like a scare is all it is going to be.

Preschool put on a play today about the three little pigs and the big bad wolf, except there were more than three pigs and the big bad wolf is a real sweet-heart. Bella was a pig. We had worked on shaky her head "no" after the wolf was suppose to knock on the door, but yet when it came time today her fingers were stuffed in the mouth and participation was limited. Not sure if this is an age thing or a disabled thing. Maybe a little of both.

After Bella's transfusion at the hospital did some finagling around vehicles with my Mom and I stayed at the hospital to visit with one of Bella's classmates and his family that was in the ER. Now, we've had our fair share of ER visits, but that doesn't make it any easier when you walk into the room and the little kiddo is laying there without being his usual happy self.
Felt out of place, but yet right where I needed to be.
It's funny how people can come in and out of your lives and touch us so deeply without ever knowing so.

Did anyone read the article on CNN about the woman who only used half her brain and was doing amazing? I posted it on facebook and only did so because I couldn't believe what I had read and wanted to share with everyone. Joe and I sometimes will spend nights talking about Bella and how much she is affected in daily rituals that so many take for advantage and I usually end up crying and worrying about her future and what it will hold for her, but this article gave me so much hope. I just wanted to reach through the computer and give that girl a big hug for being such an inspiration and for sharing her story.

Did the bedtime thing by myself tonight with the kids since Joe is working at his second job for the next 5 nights in a row. Kind of got to me when I kissed him goodbye. I might have got a little teary-eyed and I might have hung on to the hug a tad long. I just don't understand where we went wrong in life. Why can he not find the "job"? We are down to bare bones here and we still are struggling. I know we are not alone in this fight, but man, as you are living it, it sure feels like a lonely road.

Well, I think on nights like these when I can just rattle on forever it is best to cut rope and go home.
So goodnight till we meet again.

Day Whatever.

Well, so much for the daily blogging. How do you keep up Sean Anderson? Might try for a weekly blog and see if I can commit to that.
I think I purposefully have not been writing because I have been so upset with myself and how I have been acting. Yuck and double yuck. I have been acting like I'm a sole mission to replace all this weight lost in one week and my moods have been gutter-like to match.

Today I have made a re-re-commitment to myself to try and do better. That's right there are really two Re's to the commitment. The weather has been perfect for running, yet I haven't run for a week. I have healthy food stocked in my fridge, but still order out. And the new size 6 jeans I had to buy are now too snug to fit, unless the muffin-top would come back in style. Yep, time to recommit to myself.

So far so good for the day. Even with Bella waking up at 5:30am to start the day, which usually makes me grumpy and the dogs going rounds with each other, managed not to compensate with a burger and fry for lunch.
So I need to plan for dinner before the day gets much later because this is my downfall. Oops it's 6pm and I have nothing fixed. Pizza it is! Not today...


On another note, Joe started his weekend job this past weekend and it wasn't that terrible for either one of us. Okay so Friday night was no biggie. I was reading my book and was so engrossed that the time flew by before I realized it was time for him to be home. Saturday was a little different. We had fought all day about kids and money which left me drained and wanting some peace, but once the kids were asleep I was so pent up that I couldn't seem to concentrate on any one thing in particular. Watched a movie, read through my emails, searched houses in Washington, stayed up until he got home at midnight. Ugh! With children that never sleep in, this will not be a great habit to form.

Hoping today brings great news on the Home front for his job search, but since I can't find my cell phone for the life of me, I'll just have to wait until he gets home tonight. Which makes the saying, no news is good news. Right?

Day 10

Had a pretty good day 10. Rounded the week of school out for Bella and spent the morning with a few of my new Mommy friends. One of them, Samantha, brought me two giant bags of clothes that her son had grown out of and thought maybe Remington would fit in them. Jackpot!

Went to Starbucks with her for non-fat sugar-free lattes and found a low-fat raspberry muffin for Remington, little did he know he shared with the two of us also. Not sure how low-fat it was, (guess I could look it up-not really sure I care) but it was delicious.
Spent the morning walking around Loose Park. They have a beautiful rose garden. Samantha actually said it reminded her of her trip to Italy. I'd go for that. So peaceful and serene. I wished I would've had my camera. Remington was totally digging on the roses and would stop and smell or touch each bloom and then tight walked around a fountain without falling. So cute, missed moment to share. This is the same park Joe and I had our engagement pictures taken almost 8 years ago to this date. October 14, 2001. That's for you honey. I never forget a date.

Once we got back to school and was waiting for our kiddos to finish up. Conversation headed to a marathon, since one of the moms had a KC Marathon shirt on (2007). Ended up not being her shirt, but after talking with everyone and telling them my plans, they all wanted to start walking/running with me in the morning of school. I was so excited. We are all in such different areas of fitness, so we may have to start out slow, but that is what makes a year to train kind of nice. Also this walk/run with the mommies does not have to be my main training, it could simply just be my reconnecting time with adult conversation, while burning calories.

Ran around the rest of the afternoon. Went to my Mom's house, Walked around the mall, let the kids play in the soft play area, checked on the puppies and birds at the pet store.

Pretty good day overall I'd say. The weather right now is perfect!!!! Cool mornings in the 50's then slight warm up to mid 70's. Perfect!

Day 10 Lesson~ You never know what dream you might share with others until you share your own dream out loud.
Puppies make me smile and feel very maternal, even if we are at our max capacity of animals in the house!

Day 9

Not much to write about today. Finding it hard to write about my life and not always sound so mopey. Nobody likes mopey. I was looking for inspiration to hit me tonight while reading quickly through some blogs and of course went to one of my favorites first, Prior Fat Girl-Jen. I started reading her blog right after her loss of her Mother and my Husband said, "you should check out this blogger, I swear it was you writing or you guys could be best friends."
Isn't that funny? Never met, Jen or even know that much about her and I swear Joe is right. We could be best friends. And her troubles, emotions, sadness, happiness, I feel and understand.
Anyways...she had a link to a new lady tonight, Lindsay. I click over to her and I think. Wow, this lady is right on. I agree 100% that this diet thing and exercise plans are only fun and inspiring the first 2 weeks, if that. Then what? Well, I guess that's why all of us fatty's are finding each other on the world wide web. Sister's of the Fat Pants. Or in a lot of our cases, previous fat pants, who still struggle everyday like we still have those size 14's on.

So thanks guys for making me realize that I'm not the only one out there that struggles and honestly, best wishes to all of you on the best choices each and everyday in reaching our so common goal.

Now, I am going to go downstairs with my honey, curl up on the couch and watch a little Biggest Loser tonight. Go Green team!!!

Day 9 Lesson~ You can't beat a good book that makes you feel like you are the main character.
Marshall's is the best place to buy kids shoes ($12.99 for Carters).
No matter what the scale weighs you in at, it all depends about what is between your ears to how it makes you feel.

Day 8

Remington, 15 months, Sept 09'

What a shitty day. Pardon my french.

Joe had to leave for work at 6am this morning which meant the dogs went ape in there cages at 6:15 thinking we forgot to let them out to pee which in turn woke Bella up. I convinced her to crawl in bed and cuddle for a few minutes before she was up and running around. One giant sigh and I was up too.
Good news I got Bella to school 10minutes early. Only to grab a speeding ticket on the way home. 55 in a 45. I gave my saddest face possible and he just informed me to go slow and drive safe. I said "Thank you." Why did I say 'thank you'? I don't know, my Mom taught me to be polite (or hide my feelings) cause I really wanted to beg and scream at him that the other cars were going just as fast, if not faster than I was, why did I have to get the ticket and thanks a million sir, cause my husband is going to kill me now. Not sure how many tickets you can have before they take your license away. Might want to check on that one.

Regardless of this setback in my day, I did not fudge on the eating. Not even at a place called "RED X" (some half-price grocery store that my Mom took me to today). The bargains were a plentiful and the fried food was out the wazoo. Fried Catfish (one of my faves), fried chicken, fried potatoes, fried whatever...I resisted the urge many times over as we shopped and even in the check out lanes as my Mom was telling me how delicious the food used to be when she'd stop in on her way to work.

Turns out Joe didn't kill me, probably because he had his second interview today and was offered a part-time job (the angels are singing hallelujah) on the weekends.
He just said, "We all make mistakes." Which was still hard enough for me to swallow. I don't make mistakes...that's the part of my personality that comes straight from the Mason side, I try and keep this evil side of me squished deep down because I know it isn't pretty nor is it right.

Still fighting with Bella to go to sleep tonight. We are in the stage where she gets up and out of bed over and over again until she finally gives up. Pretty frustrating phase. It is a phase right???

Day 8 lesson~when your first task in the morning is cleaning up dog poop you could probably bet on what the rest of the day will look like.
You know you are no longer the hot young girl when you can't cry or flirt your way out of a speeding ticket.
You realize that you are excited not that your husband got a second job but where he got his second job to how much food rules your thinking. Mmmm, Bucca di Beppo.

Day6 & Day 7

I know, I know. I haven't quit ya before I have even begun ya. The day honestly slipped by me yesterday without me making time for this blog.
Didn't miss much. Made pretty good choices all day. Even turned down the offer of cheeseburger and fries or Chinese food for lunch. That's big for me. Then had a small, reoccurring fight with Joe over football (and hanging pictures) and that's all it took, dinner was pad Thai chicken and shrimp. Now here is where I'd like to write how it tasted so wonderful and made me feel so much better, but it didn't. In fact, they messed up the order and forgot the "spicy" part, which makes Thai food so wonderful and I ate the whole order which should probably be enough for three people. So I was left kind of mopey and grumpy.

Onto day 7

Started the day with my Mother ringing the doorbell way before she really was needed, bringing in bags of McDonald's breakfast for me and the kids. Been "dieting" since March and she still doesn't seem to get it. I risked upsetting her by turning down the food and had a bowl of Kashi, a banana with skim milk. My go-to choice for breakfast during the week, but man did that sausage mcskillet burrito sound so much better. (found out later Meika the dog helped herself to the burrito on top of the stove when she wasn't looking-thanks, Meika for saving me a few thousand calories)
I left Remington with my Mom (hence why she was over so early) and took Bella to school. I stayed for membership mailings with the Board.
*I recently was asked to be Parent Group Liaison for CCVI Friends Board, which I happily accepted. CCVI (Children's Center for the Visually Impaired) is my daughters school which she attends four days a week and is currently in Preschool 2 with Miss. Kitty. This school has been our saving grace for not only our daughter, but also us as parents of a visually impaired child.

Lunch was back at home. Good choice. I made tuna salad (eggs,tuna, pickle relish, light olive oil mayonnaise) yesterday to have for this week and it was so yummy and fresh tasting that I piled it on my 100% whole wheat bread like there was no tomorrow.

Dinner was turkey burgers, no bread, no-fat cottage cheese and baked sweet potato fries (olive oil, salt, pepper 375 oven for 45 min.) I resisted the urge to have seconds.

I ran to the store tonight to buy a few things and as I driving there I started thinking about what I could sneak in without really cheating, but then I realized that I had done so well all day and I wasn't about to mess it up with a snack that probably wouldn't taste as good as it sounded anyways.
Success!
I came home and before I could even sit back down I mentioned to Bella that we could take a stroller ride. (which is a run for us, ride for them) I did this because I knew she would jump all over it, and when you tell Bella something that she wants to do, you better back it up. As she is whiny over me taking to long to tie my shoes, I think wow Mom good job today, now go out and let that wild crazy mutt run your legs off.
The gang and I did a quick mile run and then they parted ways to go take baths while Meika and I continued on with our usual 2 miles. I ran part of the way and walked the remainder.

Feels good. One day in the pocket with choices accounted for and success for small steps.

Day 6 & 7 Lessons~ Place yourself in an uncomfortable situation sometimes to make yourself realize your potential. Running in the cool sprinkles of falling rain water is very refreshing.

Day 5

Quick, super fast and missing info in tonight's blog.

We were terrible today in food choices. We knew it and we still didn't do anything to stop it, so now I'm kind of pissy over it and wish it would just become easier to make the best choice.

Breakfast-good. Oatmeal with splenda, skim milk and raspberries. (ran out of blueberries the other morning and substituted with frozen raspberries and now it is my new favorite in my oatmeal)

Lunch- not good. Boston Market roasted chicken (skin removed), steamed veggies,...wait it gets worse...mashed potatoes and gravy and sweet potato casserole, one cornbread muffin.

Dinner-awful. Dickey BBQ Turkey, pulled pork, fried okra, baked beans, one buttered roll (only cause there wasn't anymore did I not have more than one fresh, pulled from the oven, steaming hot roll).

We worked on the house all day. Cleaning the garage, ripping into cabinets and reorganizing, doing laundry, sweeping, re-arranging furniture. That is why lunch was out. We hadn't kept track of the time and sure enough it was 12:30 and the kids were letting us know that they were hungry...oops!
Dinner was ate out because my in-laws were up for a visit and always want to eat out. So we took them to this new BBQ place that we had tried a while back and thought they would dig.
Now, our choice to eat poorly at this restaurant wasn't their fault. We have ate out before many times and ordered smartly. Salad, grilled chicken, etc., but today it almost didn't even cross my mind to try something healthier, like I deserved this break. A little kooky in the thinking, I know. Deserved why? I dunno.
(I have tried for years to cook for the ol'In-Laws and still can't figure out if they don't like the cooking or just don't like me cooking. I do use spices and we do eat a variety of things, but variety is the spice of life! Right?)

No exercise today either. Yep, I think I'll just end it on that note.

Day 5 lesson~ Crap accumulates. A clean house makes me smile. 360 day till marathon training should be complete, I wonder if Dickey's BBQ would sponsor me? (just kidding)

Day 4

Whoohoo it's Friday. I am writing this at a quarter till four and am so antsy I can barely sit still to type, let alone think. And I haven't had any caffeine today. Huh, go figure.

Joe took the day off of work today to go part-time job hunting. And as my Mother said(insert whiny voice), "why would he take off one job to go look for another job?" To which I politely replied, "most places take applications in person and we are hoping they see Joe's winning smile and hire him on the spot." Duh.
I am so torn on this issue of another job. I hate it, but it should've been done years ago. We tried letting me work last fall/holiday season part-time and quickly realized that was not going to fly, with the kids or Joe or our babysitter (my Mom). Joe applied at his current job for a new posting this week. One that would pay him more money and be an advancement. I am crossing my fingers and even my toes that this comes through for us. Joe believes in Karma. Anymore, I'm not sure what I believe in. I just know you have to make your own future by living the present to the fullest of your ability. If this promotion happens there won't be any need for a second job, so please cross your fingers right along with me (toes too if possible).

So we are a tiny bit off schedule today.
I love when Joe doesn't have to wake up early and get ready. Mornings are the perfect cuddle time (that is if you don't breathe on me and vice-a-versa). Bella had other plans, busting into the room Kramer style with her mop-top a bouncing saying "Momma, Dadda, Hi!" We tried to ignore her which only lead her into her brother's room with the same schpiel. Well, so much for sleeping in and so much for cuddling.

Bella had an annual eye exam today at the hospital and two and a half hours later we (Bella and I) were headed home with no real new information. Yep, she still has CVI (cortical visual impairment), her eyes still drift and basically, she is legally blind. Have a nice day!
The good news is we still don't need glasses. Thank God for that considering we can't even get her to wear sunglasses for her light sensitivity issues outside. I couldn't even imagine her having to wear glasses 24/7. Nightmare for Mom and our insurance company, since we would break at least a pair a week. ha

Tonight's dinner is planned for Turkey Burgers and Sweet Potato Fries. One of my all time favorites.
I do have a pre-confession to make. I am pretty sure we will be having Pina Coladas tonight after the kids go to bed. See we bought Dole's 100% Pina Colada Juice the other day and it is so tasty, the only thing it is missing is the rum. I think we will be fixing that problem very soon. It is totally yum-o!!!! Even without the Rum added.

So a run is needed before dinner and drinking, so we can indulge a little later on.

Watched the Biggest Loser premier last night. Whoazers! Love the green team already. Abbey, sweetie you rock!!! and a firefighter as a partner, you can't go wrong.

Lesson for Day 4~ You might as well chill out and enjoy a little one/on/one time with your daughter while visiting the doctors cuz they sure as heck are not in any hurry to get you out of there (we played wild animals crawling around on the floor and actually I got caught under a desk one time growling). oops.
Money does not make a person happy, but it sure does help.
Dole's Pina Colada's Juice is fantastic with or without Rum added

Day 3

I was re-reading my previous post and realized the only thing I forgot to tell you guys was what underwear I was wearing, so I will try and not make these so lengthy and detailed. Then again, I always feel like one topic leads into another one and they all need to be explained. I guess I will get this blogging thing down before to long.

Man, day four at getting Bella to school and we were even earlier this morning. Almost so early that I felt bad for dropping her off before school official started. The only explanation is that Joe has started to help out getting the kids breakfast before he leaves for work in the morning. Such a little thing and what a big difference. That and I actually drug my body into the shower before seven (I hate mornings).
Meika was once again taken to the dog park after dropping Bella off at school. Remi and I were truly amazed that we had the coolest dog at the park (no offense doggies) and that she is the fastest dog by far. Like that somehow reflects directly onto me. Like oh yeah, you think she's fast, you should see me go.

After school my daughter had her bi-weekly transfusion appointment at the hospital. As I am running around trying to keep two very active kids quiet and cornered in a somewhat decent fashion that ol'feeling starts creeping in. The one that tells me what a bad mom I am and why can't I control them or why do I always feel so frazzled when I am by myself (am I actually sweating). My Mom makes a last minute visit to the hospital to lend a hand. And on one side it was a relief, but on the other side of the coin she has made it very clear that she doubts my ability in most anything, including parenting, marriage and finance.
She proceeds to correct Bella and Remi at every little action and I finally snapped at her saying, "I've got it, alright?". Then I feel like a total bitch and wonder why I feel the need to be so defensive with her.
By the time we have made it back to the car and headed home I am a total emotional wreak. Old Rachel would swing through BK and grab a yummy combo and devour every last morsel, but today I call Joe at work and have him do a quick calorie check on BK's website. Holy Crap. It is no wonder I was fat. A sandwich should not ever reach the 1000 calorie point. That's absurd.
So the new Rachel grabs a Grilled Chicken Salad from McDonald's and steer the car towards the house. One point for Mommy.

The rest of the afternoon goes pretty much without a hitch.
Went to a small Farmer's Market to shop for some fresh fruit and veggies. Steal on sweet potatoes($.75 per lb), Rip off on Apples. $4.50 for 4 apples. They better be the most delicious apples in the entire world.

Made a super dinner of skillet fish fillets and a veggie stir-fry with a few spaghetti noodles thrown in mainly for the kids (they love noodles) seasoned with season salt, ginger, garlic, pepper and a dash of soy sauce. The fish was amazing. Striped pangasius~ never heard of it before, but I swear it tasted like bass and was on sale. I only buy fish that is on sale. ha So we usually eat something different all the time. I love when the shrimp is on sale, four bags of shrimp for me. Holler!

The kids were dying to take a walk tonight, in fact Bella was crying the entire meal waiting for a walk she didn't think would ever happen. So now here's my issue. 7pm is to late to take two walks (one for us/one for the kids) so we let the kids win and take them around the loop. I had Remington while Joe had Meika and Bella. They do a much faster pace then Mr.Small britches.
It was a beautiful night and the neighborhood animals just love to come and visit us while we stroll by, but I truly doubt it burns very many calories or prepares for a marathon.
The good news to this is that I feel like we have and will continue to set great examples for our kids with food choices and exercise, so I guess that should be the big picture here.

The kids are down to sleep and we have a DVR waiting for us downstairs with the "Biggest Loser" on it. I am excited to start a new season and one that we are not saying, "man I could totally win this show" or "let's start a diet with them and see how we do" or "next Monday, that's it, no more" as we eat our Ben and Jerry's ice cream and wish for a smaller waist. No this season we will be watching from the other side. The I did it and so can you side. Whoohoo baby.

Until tomorrow.
Day3 lesson ~ breathe in, breathe out, smile. We can choose to break the cycle at anytime with a little help, from our own will. DVR's are wonderful inventions.

Day 2

Well I wanted to wait until the end of the day to start writing my blog so I could get a full days worth of goodies into it, but now I am tired and feel rushed to finish this so I can snuggle with my honey and go to bed at a somewhat decent time.

Writing my blog yesterday gave me inspiration and hope. The feeling that this hole that I seem stuck in, isn't really that bad and that I can pull myself out and above it.

Today was the usual rush, rush, rush to get Bella to school on time. Which bravo Mom, I did. Then one of the other Mommies from school and I jumped in my car and headed for a destination walk. The zoo. At first I was a little hesitant to have her ride in my always messy, dog hairy seat, squeaky brake car, but it was great. I did get us a little lost (something I am a tad famous for) but we eventually found our way. Remi was able to play in the play area for the 15 minutes we waited for the zoo to open.
It is so nice to see him run and play with other kids his age and older and not worry if they are staring and wondering what is wrong with him like I worry and wonder with his sister. Something that is not just comparing, but compassion. If you don't have a disabled child you most likely will not understand this emotion and that's okay, I don't expect you to.
Once the zoo opened it was all business. We walked the entire zoo without stopping and at pretty fast clip. It felt great.
I did have a pang of guilt for Remington since he was buckled into a stroller the entire time and not allowed to sight see and be stimulated. I just tried to remind myself that there has to be time for me and he is allowed many other opportunities throughout the day to learn and grow and we did just visit the zoo this past weekend for the kids, so I trudged on! The weather was perfect. I had a ton of pent up adult conversation that needed an ear to bend and the walk was challenging.

I made a great choice for lunch, Shrimp Fettuccine Lean Cuisine. Only one little problem was I was still starving after wolfing it down. I knew this and even searched through the cabinets looking for a healthy extra something to take off the hunger, but since we hadn't visited the grocery store this week we were pretty dried up in the options. I tried to put this from my mind as I ran to CVS to pick up Bella's medicine. Normally I run my car through the drive-thru, but with the squeaky brakes I figured I would go inside and pick up some deodorant too (surprise, had no deo this morning and had to use Joe's-yuck). While inside the store the temptation was very present and as much as I'd love to write that I didn't succumb to it, I can't.
Two sticks of Deodorant, medicine and an Ice cream sandwich please...17grams of fat. So much for that great morning walk.
Good news, I did thoroughly enjoy my ice cream novelty on the ride home.

When Joe got home we went grocery shopping, but the budget is pretty tight so no extra snacks or even many fruit and veggies found their way into the cart. Bananas and Apples. Cheap and plenty.
Supper was quickly upon us and the kids made sure that we hadn't forgot them. So we swung by McDonald's and got them both kids meals and nothing for ourselves. Progress! Yes!!!

I made a delicious dinner with the chicken breast that was thawed and since the kids had already ate I spiced it way up for Joe and I. We love spicy food, but try and keep it reasonable when the kids are going to eat what we eat, but not tonight. Whoot Whoot, Spicy!!!
Mexican frozen veggies (corn, black beans, peppers) can of tomatoes and green chilli's, hot sauce and red pepper flakes with a sprinkle of cheddar cheese. Then I steamed a bag of 1o0% whole grain brown rice and served it with the chicken blend. Oh my~ so good. Sometimes I surprise myself with my creations.
We quickly cleaned up the mess and tied up the shoe laces for a quick run before it was the kids bedtime. We might need to start adjusting our nights since it is getting darker earlier.
Meika (the dog) was beyond ready to go for a run and was pulling at my bad back something fierce (in fact she broke her leash!) so Joe took her for the first half which left me with the running stroller. I have never been that great with the stroller. I have always needed my arms when it comes to running, and even more so on hills, but I made it all the way to our usually stopping point without stopping once. I was on fire. That is my lungs were on fire, but after Joe and I switched babies for a crazy dog, Meika gave me no choice but to run again.
There might be a giant bonus to having a super charged overgrown puppy. I did make her stop a few times to catch my breath and keep dinner down (I hate to puke, did enough of that with two pregnancies, thank you very much) and we had to skip one of the loops for bath time, but yay me.

Yay me for eating a better dinner than what I have been eating the last several weeks. Yay me for running when I sure didn't feel like it. Yay me for getting the kids out the door this morning. Yay me for spending time on myself today (walking at the zoo with a friend and not being only in mommy mode).
Boo-hoo on me for picking up the ice cream sandwich and enjoying it as much as I did.

So Day 2's lesson~Life is a rushing moment in time. Everyone has a different stress or chaos that they are currently living. Sometimes you just need to slow down and enjoy the smell of the zoo early in the morning before the animals cages have been cleaned to fully enjoy your own life.
Never write a blog this late at night! And Holy Crap 26.2 miles is a long way when my little 2 mile run pooped me out! I gotta a long way to go baby.

Day 1

I have decided to start blogging daily like Sean . What about? I'm not sure yet. I just feel like there is so much inside of me right now that if I don't get it out I am going to drown in my own thoughts.
I figure this will be about weight loss, marathon training, being a mom, being a woman and just plan being. It may be boring and sometimes depressing or funny, but since I only have one follower at this time (thanks honey) I shouldn't bore to many people.

First off, yes I am still struggling with weight loss. I wrote my last blog with only 10 more pounds to go and now on this date we might make it close to 15 pounds. What is going on? I am so depressed over our financial situation that I am once again turning to food for my comfort. Oh, we have no money to go to the store, but I will swing by and grab a giant helping of burger and fries please with a diet coke. ha I am now one of those people. "Yes, I need a number 5 combo with a diet coke. "
So, help me God. I refuse to be held down any longer by this weight...so more to come on this subject I'm sure. As for today, I made a poor lunch choice at Panda Express after not eating enough for breakfast this morning and a starving stomach and screaming children lead my car in their direction. Squeaky brakes and all. (my brakes started squeaky last week and 'I don't do cars' so they will just keep squeaking until Joe takes them in to have them fixed or my Mom catches wind of them and offers to fix them since she is a mechanic at heart) For now, I just try and swing in the parking spaces with as little braking as possible. Good thing the kids are buckled in!

Marathon~ Yep, I wrote it out and now it will be forever haunting me to bring this goal around to being true. Joe has been talking Tri's for sometime and I never had the urge to do that with him, but I received an email from the Kansas City Marathon in October (why, I don't know) but as I am looking all around the site I just kept getting more excited and more excited. So, I'm gonna do it. Not this years, I'm not that dislusional, but 2010. So that gives me a year to train for it (hence why this is called day 1). I know nothing about running distance even back in school when we had to do distance I hated it with a capital H, but Joe and I have been running the last couple of months close to 2 miles a night and minus the giant hill, I do pretty well and just stop because we are back at home and our route is completed.
I have a new running buddy, Meika, the Boxador(no longer) homeless dog with boundless energy, so I am going to take advantage of her and use her to train with.
Sometime next spring I will try for a half-marathon and see where I am at physically and will try and sign up for every 5k, benefit race KC offers to keep me going and steady.
Enough about that for now.

As for being a Mom and a woman. Super depressed. Not sure really what is going on. I feel exhausted, cranky and just down in the dumps. Messed my neck up carrying Bella a few weekends ago and even after visiting the chiropractor (which could not get me in without consequent visits) is still killing me and causing these giant headaches everyday.
We have no extra money to go to a different chiropractor that was recommended to me by a friend and he of course is not in our network for insurance so he would be extra. So that is frustrating that he seems just beyond my reach and yet I need him so much.

I finally had a hair cut a few weekends back (same day as the bad back deal). I went to a new place, which was no where near as nice as I'm used to (huge salon snob with no money for huge salon prices) but after only paying $40 instead of $80 I was feeling pretty good about it. She didn't do "messed up, piecey cropped bob" that I asked for, but at least I didn't have mis-matched sides. Been there done that. I didn't allow her to color my hair, even though my sparkles(grays) were showing something terrible, thinking I could save even more money if I just used the at home dye that was sitting under my sink.
Yep, I read the date and everything on the box before I began and hadn't realized how old it was, but what could it hurt?
Well, now that I have different degrees of black to my hair and it looks like I'm trying to impression a vampire, I now realize how important that expiration date might have been.
It will fade...eventually.

So with my attitude, dark drabby hair, and scarce funds, the whole woman, mommy thing is taking a pretty hard hit. Not to mention the few extra pounds I have allowed to slip back on.

Day 1 to begin a new chapter.

self sabatoge

183lbs March 2009

I wanted to write this blog for me. Taking a little of my own advice. Yes, that's hard to swallow sometimes for me. I haven't blogged about my weight loss or my struggles. Kind of thought that was my Husbands deal and I would leave that for him, but last night as I couldn't sleep again. I laid in bed thinking about all the "bloggers" he had just introduced me to and how reading about their struggles and daily life issues really had my mind a reeling.

I started my life style change in March 2009 a few months after my husband's diet change in January. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to start or stop one more diet and I sure wasn't ready to let go of my comfort that I had developed with food. So for a few more months I was a total bitch and as he ate his lean cuisine I would order Chinese food, pizza, wings, KFC or make up a giant batch of fettuccine. I was almost daring him to stay on the dark side with me. Stay in the place where we were comfortable, not happy, just comfortable.

See, before my pregnancy in 2005, I never really had a weight issue. I pretty much ate what I wanted and occasionally worked out. A long walk with the dogs or an elliptical machine marathon or maybe dust off the Bow flex for a few workouts. I never got the issue that people had with weight loss. Just do it. It's not that hard. Oh, this was some major fights between Joe and I.
During my pregnancy I was a model citizen. No pop, no candy (okay a stray brownie did find it's way into my mouth, but rarely) lots of fruit and veggies and plenty of whole grains. I believed wholly in the theory healthy mom, equals healthy baby.
Well as most of you know that isn't exactly how it ended for us. Our baby was not healthy in any way, shape or form. And as I sat in the NICU for the next eight weeks the baby weight that I had gained (30lbs exactly) melted off of me. My appetite was no longer thriving, but neither was my activity level, so they matched each other.
It wasn't until we brought our baby home did I start to see a problem with myself. I would find myself crying and eating at the same time. Worrying and eating, Laughing and eating. I think you get the picture. I was medicating myself with food. My marriage was rough, my baby was damaged and my life was forever changed in ways I couldn't comprehend.

I gained the first 10 lbs and I remember thinking. "No big deal. I'll just diet when I feel better." I remember seeing my 26Th birthday pictures that Joe took of me and thinking, "ugh, I might need to watch myself a little closer. I can't believe how fat I look." I allowed myself to accept the excuses that people gave me and I gave myself.
"You just had a baby."
"Staying home is hard, you'll find you niche."
"You have more things to worry about now then your weight."
"I don't have time to exercise, let alone shower."

Then in October of 2007 I found out I was pregnant again. My first Doctor's appointment was rough. I remember stepping on the scale and thinking "SH*T, I'm about to add another 30 lbs to this number!"
I wasn't as diligent with my second pregnancy as my first. Fast food was almost always on the menu and even an occasional pop found its way in my stomach and I'm certain that Brownies were always eaten in large portions.
I ended my pregnancy at a whopping 203 lbs. (I am only 5'2") I will always remember this number because no matter what, I promise myself I will never see this number again no matter what.
The 3o lbs (exactly) I gained fell off immediately, thanks to a very hungry breast feed baby.

The remainder of the weight stayed put and stayed put good. I tried my previous tactics of cutting back for a few days, or going for a quick walk, even jumping on my daughter's trampoline for a total of 2 minutes before quitting. But this time the scale didn't move, in fact, August 2008 I actually gained even more weight.

183lbs
This is where I stayed, teeter and tottering, a few numbers back and forth until March of 2009. When I finally wrapped my brain around itself and took control of my life.
Now, at 140.8 (this morning) I am finding myself at yet another impasse.

I have realized that I am keeping myself from succeeding. Why? I don't know. Scared? Maybe, of what, I'm not sure.
My goal is 130lbs. And the lowest the scale has read is 137lbs on my birthday, but since that date I have been on a mission to make this number further from my grasp.
The cravings have started again, the depression over everything (life itself) gaining in momentum, almost enjoying the softness that my body is getting from the lack of exercise, the exhaustion from the poor eating. Watching as the scale has slowly climbed back up~until last night as I read Jack Sh*t Getting Fit's blog about the boiling frog, did I realize what I had been doing.

So here I am today. August 17, 2009. Making a new commitment to myself to lose those last 10 lbs and finally feel the success and happiness that comes along with the joy of looking and feeling great again.

Breakfast- Oatmeal, Splenda, Skim Milk and Blueberries
Lunch- Lean Cuisine (Swedish Meatballs) and a sliced Homegrown Tomato
Dinner- Making Turkey Chili (in the works as we speak)
Dessert -No ice cream or brownies or chocolate cake- Gonna try fresh raspberries and hope that does the trick.

I can do this!!!

140lbs August 2009

My Love

As he got into his car to drive away and I walked the two children back into the house I was overwhelmed with emotion. I sat eating my lean cuisine and realized I was blinking back tears. From what and why? I sat for a moment as I shared my meal with 3 dogs and two, somehow still hungry, children and came upon the conclusion that it was pride that had me so close to tears.

Pride at how my Husband looked in his suit for his best friends wedding. Pride for how determined and motivated he has stayed over the last 8 months. Pride for knowing that he was all mine and always will be. Pride for the confidence that was radiating off of him that was not there just a few months back. Pride for the patience he was keeping as I clicked off pictures of him even though he was running late.

Joe, I am so proud of you! You have done an amazing job with your weight loss (115lbs so far) and your strive to better yourself, for not only you, but also your family. This means such a great deal to me when just 3 years ago I wondered how much longer your body (and the good Lord) was going to allow you to stay on this earth with us.

And I totally agree with the unspoken words of Bella when she seen you in your suit. "Hubba Hubba Dad!" At least that's what I believe her eyes said and would've spoken if possible.

We love you and support you 100%. Way to go my love.

R

My Little Green Duck

Yesterday afternoon after Joe got off work we headed over to my Mom's to go swimming in her pool. I wasn't really looking forward to this on this particular day. It had been a long and exhausting day and the kids were both grumpy right along with me. The pool was revitalizing! The water was the perfect temperature and even Remington, who is not much of a water bug yet, seemed to be enjoying himself.

This past weekend Bella had started jumping off the edge as we would catch her before she went under and this would delight her for hours, but yesterday as she kept pushing herself off the edge and away from the ladder she would start kicking like there was no tomorrow. Mostly this was working, at least enough it seemed to spark a hope in her that maybe she could swim. So over and over again she would push herself away from the ladder and slowly sink under the water.
This was enough to make me a tad nervous and excited, so I mentioned to her that Jared, her cousin, had a vest that he wore to help him stay afloat so he could swim.
Now, we have tried this vest many times before in the past and she has never been successful with it nor loved wearing it, but yesterday was different.
We tried the vest on, it was bright green with a zipper in the back, and she immediately jumped in and started kicking away, but this time, she was able to swim without sinking. Bella started giggling and yelling, "Momma, Dadda".
And that was that...she became my little swimmer!

I kept telling her she was just like a turtle in her little green vest and it took me a second to realize what she was trying to tell me. When I would call her a turtle she would shake her head no and say "Mom" and her hand was signing under the water "Duck". When I finally put them all together, I asked her if she wanted to be a green duck not a turtle and she said "shyeah", and swam away (with me trailing behind laughing)

On the car ride home through very sleepy eyes she kept saying "Mom, grrr "(thats her grandma Dee) and signing 'green' 'duck'. I would say, "Yes, Bella you were a green duck in Grandma Dee's Pool", and she would say yeah and go back to listening to her music.

So here's to you my Little Green Duck. I am so proud of you!!! I love you!

Today is my Birthday!

Today is my birthday. I know, whoohoo right? Well, for me Birthdays are a big thing and this year is no different. I turned 29 today. This is kind of a mixed one for me on many levels. I feel for one that my youth is gone, my last year in my twenties. Where am I? What do I have to say for myself? On the other hand, I am so glad that this is my last year in my twenties. Do you know how many times I'll be in a great conversation and someone will mention age and completely shut down when they find out I'm only twenty-whatever. Like I am too young to know or understand life or that my opinion is cheapned because I am not the same as them.

Every year as it approached our birthdays my Mom would always tell my Sister and I that whatever we wanted to do or eat was our choice, for the whole day, it was our special day.
I was always a lucky summer birthday, unlike my sister who is a January and always ice'd out of having a birthday party. Nope, not mine. The hotter the better. That just meant more swimming, more ice-cream and more reasons why we had later bedtimes. Still means the same things to me today, expect so far the kids still have to go to bed at the same time, so I can enjoy a later bedtime by myself with my Husband...

It also meant that it was almost Fourth of July. Which is one of my most favorite holidays. Growing up we always spent Fourth of July down at my Grandma's house. Those were some of the best memories that I have of growing up. All my Aunt's, Uncle's and Cousins would be over sprawled out on the front lawn under the shade trees either on blankets with the babies or sitting in the old green chairs that would leave color marks on your clothes.
We would eat watermelon that was always so cold and juicy and drink ice cold pop (no name brands, just orange, grape and cherry) that was stuck on ice in a big metal tub and run in and out of the house collecting bottle rockets and black cats, until it was dark and then all my Uncle's would file into the country road and start setting up the big displays. Which, were by todays standards probably not very big, but back then to me they seemed marvelous. Yep, those were the days!!!

So bring on the celebrations! Today is my birthday. My one day a year that is all mine! Guess, what I'm gonna do?
Go swimming, eat ice-cream (cake) and stay up past my bedtime. Some things never change no matter what the age! I'll worry tomorrow about what I'm going to do with my life and where I want to be in the next 5-10 years

My Mom Moments

So, my day started off a tad rough. Kids wanted to sleep in, refused to eat breakfast, stuck in traffic, missed my exit due to a traffic jam on the way to preschool. All this equaled super late getting Bella to school and one very frazzled mom with a cranky, post-day shot, given one year old in the back seat. I pull through McDonalds and order a large Non-fat, Sugar Free Vanilla Cappuccino (yes, still trying to lose another 15 pounds) and hope this keeps me from quitting my poor paying excuse for a job, called SAHM, or housewife, or full-time Mommy (whatever title you want to give it). The drive back home is soothed by the warmth of the liquid and further soothed by the 100% whole wheat toasted english muffin with sugar- free jelly. Now my day is starting to look up. I think I actually sigh out loud.
One year old, Remington, is now happy toddling around playing with toys without fighting for the right to them. I'm sitting on the couch watching a dvr'd recording of Jack Hanna (love that guy and his awesome job that I could totally do in another life).
I mellow out competely and quit feeling sorry for myself before the caffenine kicks in and sends me in overdrive. I vacuum the entire upstairs, start a load of clothes, clean both kids rooms and play with Remington. By the time 11am rolled around and it was time to head back to school to pick up Bella I was beginning to think I had this mommy thing down, I just needed doses of caffeine to help complete me.

After a always crazy lunch of mix/match items and sharing with the dogs (3 spoiled weiner dogs) I start to clean up the kitchen. Bella goes upstairs and out the doggie door and Remi is content playing in the kitchen with me. I usually don't worry to much about Bella being outside for a few minutes by herself. We have a fenced in yard, as baby-proofed as a yard gets, with lots of toys to play with.
Soon I hear Bella clumping back down the stairs and when she gets to the bottom says, "Yeah Mom." *

*Isabella has many abbrivations after her name CP (Cerebral Palsy), PVL (Periventricular Leukomalacia), CVI (Cortical Visual Impairement) and CA (Congenital Afibrinogenemia, okay so this one, I made up the abbrivation) so basically she is severaly disabled but is amazing at the progress she has made and continues to make. Speech is one of the slowest ones to come along.

I turn to see what she is "yeahing" and immediately notice no diaper and the smell of poop. "Bella did you poop?" As if this is a question I need to ask at this point, but figure if she becomes aware of the fact of, maybe it will further along the potty training process. Her legs have poop on them, her hands are covered, a few spots on the face and of course her rear end.
She replies with her usual, "ahhuu". The first intial response is to spank her. Doesn't she know better than this? I quickly decide that the answer is, no, she doesn't know better or she wouldn't have come down the stairs so proud of herself. So my second response is just automatic clean up mode. Don't think, just do!
I grab hold of her and carry her carefully up the stairs and into our bedroom in search of the missing diaper which is outside and being inspected closely by a dog. "Bella stay right here and don't move or touch anything," I say as I rush out and save the diaper or save the dog (depends how you look at that one) then grab Bella and push her towards the shower.
The smell is beyond pleasant as I close the door and watch as Remi bangs on the shower door wondering why he has been left out of the water play.
I wash her throughly, twice and finally slide open the door for Remington to join us which he happily climbs in as I remove his diaper (which he has pooped in too at this time). So the process starts over, wash twice with Dad's body wash and throw in hair shampoos and conditioners while I'm at it, then scrub down the shower and make sure it is clean again.

I wonder if this is normal everyday mommy moments? Is this just part of being a Mother to a diabled child? Will Bella ever get that when you poop it is suppose to be in the potty and then flushed without touching it?

I don't know the answers to any of these questions or the many more that float around in my head 24/7 but I have decided to start blogging about them. Hopefully someone out there understands me and what I am going through and can provide some answers or much needed advice.