A little R and R

I can see clearly now

2011-10-04T21:14:00.002-05:00

Driving home from school today Bella notices a large American Flag flying from a car dealer ship and tells us with excitement "An American Flag, look an American Flag. I can see it. My eyes are working now!"
Remi says, "Your eyes are perfect now?"
Bella "Yes, my eyes are perfect now. Hooray!"

Who do you belong to?

2011-09-21T20:46:00.003-05:00

I pick Remi up from Preschool today and we immediately go into the parent room to play trains.
Right away he starts picking his nose and I make my face to tell him to stop, but he informs me in his matter-of-fact way.

"Mom I couldn't pick them in school, but now I can and I have missed my boogers and they have missed me."

What?! How do you argue with that?

My Blue Butterfly

2011-09-06T21:58:00.011-05:00

I know it's been awhile, but by the time I get the kids to bed, I am so exhausted I crash into my own bed. Not that I fall fast asleep, but at least I try...

I have been having the worst nightmares lately, mostly due to the wonderful pregnancy hormones and my overactive imagination, but the troubling part is about every other night I am having dreams about Bella dying in some weird and very possible way.
I usually wake up gasping, nauseous and unable to go back to sleep. So that is keeping Bella and her issues on my forefront (like they are ever anywhere else?!).

As her sixth birthday is rounding back around again, talk has been going to what she would like for presents, decorations and party guests. She changes her mind constantly between Wow, Wow, Wubbzy and Peppa Pig. Both are NickJr shows that she can't go a day without and both are difficult to find and expensive to purchase (that's my girl!).

Searching for Peppa Pig stuff the other night, suddenly got me so depressed and anxious that I had to stop my search. The things I found were too small in size,both for play (visual and fine motor) and for wear. Then I thought she might like a new backpack for school, but since everything was based around baby-like toys, I begin to wonder if she would only get made fun of by other kids if she had a backpack from a toddler show when she starts 1st grade next year in a public school.

And it's more than just a silly backpack that has me worried. Bella remains such a mystery with her social interactions and play skills. Will a new group of kids give her the chance she needs to adjust before writing her off as "too different" or will a new teacher understand how to overcome her obstacles with a classroom of other children demanding attention?

After school today was our bi-weekly appointment for her infusion at the Hospital. This is something we have been doing for five and a half years straight and I swear each time is continuing to get worse for fits and screaming. Today might've been the tops to any day.
We have the same set of nurses each time and Bella is spoiled beyond belief with snacks, movies, activities and freedom. Using their computers as her "office", having her own mini DVD player to watch Wonder Pets, chocolate milk, Teddy Grahams, chips, Popsicles, coloring, play rooms, etc.

Thank God for her speech, but today it was breaking my heart! When the time came to administer her medicine through her port she starts screaming and throwing her body around so that neither her Nurse or I could control her. Yelling at the top of her lungs, screaming for us to "go away", "stop hurting her", how terrible we were, "leave her alone". Covering her face with her hands, huge crocodile tears flowing down her checks, until her face was bright pink and stained.
Bella kept staring at the nurse with almost a fear in her eyes that we couldn't figure out, then the other nurse noticed that the nurse giving the medicine had on a mask over her face and she promptly removed it once noted, suddenly Bella calmed down to a point where we were able to control the situation a little better and ease her worry.
A mask? That's all it was. A mask sent her to a point that was concerning to all involved. And why wasn't she able to voice that?
This time was a mask. Last time was holding her down. The time before that was because she was tired. The list goes on, my point is that she acts in ways that are socially unacceptable to an almost six year old.

Where does this leave her in society? Each year that she grows and changes it continues to bring about great things and progress, but we also see gaps. Gaps that also seem to grow and cause alarm.

How as a Mother, the person closest to her and most responsible for her outcome, help her??? Will my dear, sweet,loving, social butterfly be stuck in her cocoon because she herself doesn't even understand how to help herself?

Yes, I worry. I worry constantly. At this point, I feel my worries are justified and hard to face.

No suitcases being packed today...

2011-07-10T16:33:00.004-05:00

Really missing the buoyancy of swimming, along with the amazing ability to make me feel skinny or at least not swollen...
This is day 8 that Bella is still angry at Grandma Dee. When we ask her if she'd like to go swimming, she quickly replies "no Dee is mean!"

My Mother is over the top with rude comments, snippy remarks and constant yelling at the kids. Joe and I figured they loved her enough to ignore most of these pesky traits, but I guess Bella has reached her max and Remi is even siding with her. Which is amazing considering she keeps my nephew most weekdays and Remi emulates him down to a scary T.

So, this leaves me wondering what I should do over the failed relationship. I wish it was easy enough to just talk it over with my Mother, but that is not the case with a giant exclamation mark.

Is it my job as a Mother to keep my daughters bond with her grandparents strong? Or, is it as simple as, she doesn't enjoy being around her, end of story?

Guess, I'll wait it out a while longer and in the meantime, I will be filling up our kiddie pool out back and awkwardly sitting my giant butt in it while the kids splash around me.

Still on the yellow kick

2011-07-08T20:27:00.003-05:00

Two blogs - one day- how 'bout them apples...

I just had to share one more story,

As I've talked about before, Remi loves all things yellow, including yellow dogs. Yesterday as I was flipping over emails, Remi was peeking over my shoulder watching everything. So we watched a few videos.
One about an alligator and her babies, another about a 350 lb black bear in Virginia and a dancing hippo. Then Remi asked to see dogs.
Petfinder.com just happens to be saved in our bookmarks...Not yours?

Gladstone Animal Shelter is the first one to always pull for us, since we are so close and you would never believe me when I tell you this, but the first dog to show was a one yr old yellow lab, named Yellow. Unbelievable really. Remi was immediately in love! This was his picture

So, this morning after going to the park, we drove over to the animal shelter in hopes of 'only' meeting Yellow. Thankfully, the dog had been reunited with his family and was no longer available.

When I tucked the two kids in bed tonight and asked them what their favorite part of the day was, Remi said the animal shelter, looking at the dogs that wanted to come home and Bella said looking for Yellow.

Remi started to look really sad again over the mention of Yellow, until something sparked and he said,

"I'm going to ask Santa for a yellow puppy for Christmas. Not you Mom, cause Santa only answers kids and if you ask, he'll say no, but if I ask, he'll say yes."

Oh, my goodness!

Just like the Berenstain Bears

2011-07-08T19:35:00.004-05:00

Remi and Bella have both decided they want bunk beds, just like the Berenstain Bears. Remi has even decided that Bella should have the top (we will just ignore the fact she has a bleeding disorder & CP) and he should have the bottom, the same as Brother and Sister bear. We read these books pretty often and the kids think of themselves as each bear. Many times while I'm reading, I'll even change their names to Remi and Bella's. After doing a quick search on prices, we were a little leery to jump out and buy some without a little further testing.
The kids are both such different sleepers. Bella wakes up early, Remi loves to sleep in. Bella never moves at night, Remi looks like a tornado visits him nightly.

So, to test the wishes of both kids we have moved Bella's twin bed into Remi's room and placed them side by side.

Last night was the first night of our experiment and it actually went fairly well. There was a lot of giggling and initial getting up, but eventually both went to sleep and slept all night.
It was endearing to see the two of them together, bonding over babies (stuffed animals), whispers of monsters and ghosts, and helping each other calm down to fall asleep.

Tonight, I wasn't sure what to expect since Dad was working and we had a huge day of activities.
I tucked them both into bed with promises not to get up, then closed the door, but right before the door closed, Remi asked if it was okay if they talked for a little while. I said yes, but only whispers and not for very long. They both said okay and so far, so good.

I haven't heard a peep from either one (finding wood to knock on).

Not only is this adorable that they want to sleep together, but it also answers our question of where we were going to put the new baby when she came.

With both kids, it was a pretty strict rule, that Mom & Dad's room, was just that. Only on rare occasions (like maybe 3 times) have one or the other slept with us and it's usually only when puking is involved.
So, needless to say, I have been stressed over how we were going to manage having a baby sleep in our room and for how long.
The other good news, is that this idea of the two kids sharing a room is completely their ideas and has happened with still a few good months to work out any kinks, so hopefully by this fall, it will be no biggie to move a baby bed into Bella's old room.

Okay Mom, you can cry now

2011-05-31T19:53:00.003-05:00

What a terrible, crappy day.
I am still super sick (and can't take a dang thing except Tylenol-um, not cutting it).
Took an hour to get to school this morning due to traffic.
Dropped kids off, picked Remi up, drove back home ate lunch, picked Bella up, then time for hospital visit.
3hrs later.
Stopped at McDonald's for dinner, stuck in traffic again, Bella is yelling in the backseat "I have to pee." "I have to pee really bad."
Pulled into driveway only to find Bella and car seat soaked from pee. FREAKING lovely.
My head is splitting open.
Bella is now crying that she misses her Daddy, while Remi is telling her that Daddy is never home. Which causes even more crying.

As I'm cleaning the car out, Remi asks what is the matter with me.
And I just ask him if I can cry yet?
He tells me not now, later.
Okay, I laugh.

Inside, I tell Bella no TV. We need to eat our now cold, super nutritious dinner. She screams and cries through the whole thing, snot flying everywhere. The dogs are barking at the cats out the door, Remi is now crying because he is so tired.
My head is beyond splitting open!

Then Remi looks over at me and says. "Okay Mom, you can cry now."

Which of course starts out as a laugh, cough, snot, then turns into a cry, but my head is killing me so bad, that even crying hurts.

Yelloooww Dog

2011-05-30T19:37:00.004-05:00

Remington's on his yellow dog kick again. This first started around Christmas time with him begging for a new dog, a yellow dog. I would gently brush it off and he seemed to forget it pretty easily.
The last couple of days it's started again. Tonight after bath he is reading a book about dogs and there was a yellow lab pictured and he mentioned again how much he really wants a yellow dog.

Thinking that down the road a trip to the pound would work for all. I told him that yes he may have a yellow dog when our three dogs are gone.
He got so excited, jumping around and hollering at Sis that they were getting a yellow dog. I let this go on for a few minutes, then reminded him that I did say AFTER the other dogs were gone, so that meant "his dog, Diablo" wouldn't be around anymore.

Without skipping a beat, he said fine. When Missy and Minnie are gone, Diablo and I will go to the pound and look for our next yellow dog.

Diablo is ten and has been the worst, most beloved dog in the world. I was just teary eyed this morning thinking about what I'd ever do without my big D.
I forget how attached the whole family is to that dog, especially Remington.

2011-05-27T11:12:00.000-05:00

I love that my Daughter can talk now

2011-04-12T20:32:00.004-05:00

Two stories that I just have to share today

*Eating dinner tonight with the kids, I was asking them what they did at school today and they both were spouting off things and I was trying to keep the conversation going.
So, Bella tells me she played outside for one thing and I asked her if she got to swing.
She said. "Yes, with Lucy." Which is one of her sighted peer classmates.
I asked her if Lucy was her friend and she said.
"No Mom, Lucy is my BEST friend."

Awe, how sweet. I didn't even know she knew the word Best Friend or the meaning.

So after dinner we rush around because tonight is soccer night for Bella. She is participating in the Challenger program that the YMCA offers.

*Tonight was the kids' first game against a different group of Challengers, The Green Shirt's, as I called them.
Bella was actually pumped for the game and seemed to get the idea of it. The ball was passed or came into her hands (err,feet) several times over the course of the game and she would run it with the best of them. It was awesome, furthermore, she seemed to really enjoy herself. That is, until the Green Shirts would steal the ball back. Which they did often!

"Go away Green Shirts" or "Green Shirts are MEAN!" or "Stop Green Mean Shirts!" were three sayings that Bella would say over and over again.

I kept chuckling to myself and telling her that they weren't mean, just really good. At least, one little green shirt guy was really good and this evil Mommy about tripped him to see if we could bench him.
I know, terrible, but he was upsetting my baby. Would I win back any points if I told you he pushed her too. See, what a bully! Take him out. haha

Awesome Day Bells ~ Way to Go Babes

Catching on

2011-04-11T19:36:00.002-05:00

The day was packed full and my body is telling me so now.
Dropped Bella off at school then Remi and I spent the morning smelling flowers then headed to the park.
We played for several hours, until suddenly, he informed me that he was ready to go.
It was past lunch hour at this point, and boy did he let me know. Remi requested McDonalds for chicken nuggets, fries and chocolate milk, then playing.
I'm down with it.

After lunch, he said. "Where do you wanna go Mom, anywhere but home?" I drove around with less than an hour before needing to pick up Bells and decided I hadn't been to K Mart forever.
We meandered through the entire store and managed not to buy anything!

Picked up Sis, dinner, playing, TV, skipped bath (let those park germs really soak in overnight), books, and still got the kids both to bed at 7:45pm Whoohoo Mom.

Except, Remi looked out his window and had this terrible face. When I asked him what was wrong, he said.
"It's not nighttime yet, it's not even dark yet."

Um, well this Mom says it is, so sleep tight little one.

Nothing much

2011-04-04T20:24:00.002-05:00

This morning as I was hugging Bella goodbye for school, she tells me, "Have a fun day Mom." How cute is that??!!
We have been clicking lately and it's been so nice, almost easy. Now, to just help everything else in her world click more easily and we'll be doing super.

Remi is spending his third night in his new big boy bed. He is still a little frightened, but nothing like before. And when asked why he is scared, he tells me that he worries 'they will come back'. I of course, promise things I probably shouldn't promise. Like there is no such things as ghosts, but what am I to do?

My tank is on E

2011-04-01T19:04:00.004-05:00

I am so exhausted this week with the four Doctor appointments for Bella and one for me, not to mention the ER visit last Saturday that got thrown in for fun. Oh and don't forget to put a nice big cold for me that was most likely caught from the ER on top and I'm dragging. Thankfully, the soccer was canceled Tuesday night. I know, second week and I'm already glad it's canceled.

Joe and I spent our kid free Wednesday morning at the Social Security office. We received great news that after review of our accounts, we now owe them $5K+ and Bella is no longer qualified for SSI. Really?!? One working spouse for a family of four with a disabled daughter who incurs endless amounts of bills and copays, but we make to much? Don't forget the house payment, car payment, insurance, school tuition, groceries, gas, etc. Give me a effing break people!!
Here's the deal, I applied for the second time June '09. We received our first check from them Nov.'09, but I guess, one month later we no longer qualified....They just decided after 15 months to notify us. So now, monthly payments have been set-up, nothing like owing the Gov't to make your day look sunny.

I am terribly bitchy lately and need a vacation. I'd even settle for a staycation, like say at my Mother's house...okay, maybe not there, but somewhere equally close and cheap...I really doubt this is going to happen anyway, so maybe I should dream bigger. Mexico, Bahama's, Spain?

Just a Sunday

2011-03-20T15:56:00.003-05:00

This is the most glorious day weather wise!!! I halted my never ending cleaning projects and laundry piles in exchange for pushing a swing, dinosaur hunting and soaking up the sunshine.

Remi is currently playing right outside the door with his dinosaurs on the deck. He has the best commentary, very creative and exciting. I think I could listen to him playing for hours. The dinosaurs are playing hide and seek with each other. Remi counts to eleven (that's amazing in itself) before he pretends to find each one.

Bella is "reading" a book all by herself. It's a Backyardigan book that I have read a million times to them and she, sort of, remembers the words, at least several thrown in here and there. This only makes it even more fun to listen to her talk. Six months ago, nothing. Now we can't get her to be quiet.

Vitamin D is good for the soul~I feel so at peace (and a little sleepy)

Birthday Wish

2011-02-28T20:42:00.002-06:00

Remington and I went to shop for Miss. Kitty's (Bella's teacher & our friend) birthday present today and along the way Remi was spouting out ideas of what she might like...or more like, what he might like...until he said,
"I think Kitty wants mice."
Why buddy?
"Because kitties like mice."
True, very true, but I doubt this Kitty would like mice very well.

Smarty pants~Gotta love 'em

The IncrediBella’s 2nd letter

2011-02-22T17:43:00.001-06:00

When You Give Help You Give Hope.

April 17^th, 2011. Put that date in your calendar for that is the day of the annual Trolley Run, a four mile race that benefits The Children’s Center for the Visually Impaired. Last year, racers big, small, fast, and slow alike lined up to support CCVI and raised over half a million dollars. This is where I ask you, my friends and family to help me in reaching my goal this year.

My name is Isabella Riddell, and I am five years old. I have curly blond hair that bounces when I run and bright blue eyes that sparkle when I smile. Mommy says I could be a model because I am so beautiful. I go to CCVI four days a week and my classroom teacher, Ms Kitty and her assistants Ms Eliza and Ms Andrea help me do things that I was never sure I could do. You see, CCVI has provided support and assistance for children like me and their Mommy’s and Daddy’s for close to sixty years. I have a condition called Cortical Visual Impairment. My brain doesn’t let me see very well. I also have epilepsy, cerebral palsy, and afibrinog-something or another. At CCVI, I receive not only therapy for my vision, but physical therapy, orientation and mobility therapy, assistive technology, occupational therapy, and speech therapy. I even get to swim once a week in the pool for aqua-therapy. Mommy and Daddy tell me that I have continued to amaze them, my teachers, and my therapists by what I have been able to accomplish. Just this year alone my speech has increased literally tenfold.

The expert therapies and classroom education I receive are not cheap, as each child costs approximately $30,000 per year. This is funded primarily through generous private donation and charity fundraisers such as the Trolley Run. This is where I ask you, my friends, my family, my neighbors, and my community, to help and support a cause that is near and dear to my heart.

CCVI is an amazing organization and enough great things cannot be said about it. CCVI has been the greatest influence in my young life. I have been able to overcome adversity and conquer obstacles that most none of you could even dream of. I have been able to do this because of CCVI’s tireless dedication and efforts.

Any amount of monetary donation is greatly appreciated as CCVI will continue to play a role in my life for several years to come. You can mail your donation in check form, made payable to CCVI to:

Isabella Riddell

1702 NW 63^rd Terrace

Kansas City, MO 64118

You can also visit my web page and donate electronically at http://tinyurl.com/37pboyz

Our goal this year is to raise over $2000! Please help us meet our goal and I’ll buy you dinner, okay probably not but I will give you a hug and a sloppy kiss.

Love,

The IncrediBella, aka Isabella

& Family

The IncrediBella’s

2011-02-13T15:36:00.003-06:00

2010

When you give help, you give hope!

Dear Family and Friends,

Many of you know our Daughter, Isabella’s, story or most parts of it and are usually astounded by the progress that she has made. Most the time I enjoy taking full credit for her gains, but this would have me leaving out a very important part of our story.
Isabella’s story began on December 4, 2005, when the cruel reality that everyone is not given a perfect bundle of joy, became our reality.
Isabella was born with so many complications that after eight weeks in the NICU, Joe and I were patted on our backs and sent home with well wishes from Nurses and Doctors alike. The Doctors never did quite have a handle on what exactly Isabella’s issues were, but they were certain that she would never crawl, talk, see, walk or most likely even live to her first birthday.
I spent the next couple of weeks in a quiet existence, just rocking my little girl, singing and promising things, that I myself did not know if I could even grant.
Then at 3 months of age, two beautiful women from the Children’s Center for the Visually Impaired (CCVI) campus came into our home to perform a visual evaluation on Isabella and our lives changed almost instantly. They assured me after the evaluation that Isabella, could in fact see and that she was not completely blind. They went on to explain that we would take the vision that she did have and would improve upon it. We were set up with therapists with visual impairment backgrounds, that would come into our home on a weekly basis, to not only work with Isabella but to teach and instill confidence into a very lost Mother.
At two years of age, Isabella started two mornings a week in CCVI’s preschool program and from there her truest potential was only highlighted.
Isabella continues receiving early education with CCVI in the preschool 4 class, four full days a week. In these four days of school Isabella receives occupational, physical, orientation and mobility, assistive technology, speech, vision and aqua therapies.
For 58 years CCVI has had the mission statement to prepare children with visual impairment, including those with multiple disabilities, to function at their highest potential in the sighted world.
That is why our family, along with 400 other families, trusts CCVI to play such a significant role in our Daughters life.
Each April, we are allowed the chance to give back just a small dose of our gratification to CCVI through the Trolley Run. With this fundraiser we have fun setting goals and creating family team names. Our goal this year for The IncrediBella’s is $2,000!!!
We ask you, our family and friends, to contribute to the 23rd annual Trolley Run on April 17, 2011, by participating in the 4 mile walk/run, sponsoring our family team, The IncrediBella’s, or both.
You can donate directly through our personal website, listed at the bottom of this letter, or make a check out to CCVI and mail it to our home address at 1702 NW 63rd Ter in Kansas City MO 64118. CCVI is a 501 (c)(3) so you can write off your donation.
Thank you in advance for your continued support.
Love,
Joe, Rachel, Isabella and Remington Riddell

Trolley Team 2009

Trolley Run Website ~ http://tinyurl.com/37pboyz

Had to share

2011-02-05T16:50:00.002-06:00

I was driving around the city today, like always, we make it a practice for the kids to watch the lights and tell me their colors. I have two very good back seat drivers!

Remi tells me green is for GO ~ yes that's right
Then I ask what means STOP ~ they both yell red
Then I ask what the yellow means...silence...
Remi pops up and say's, "Orange means go faster!" ~ good I say, really it's called yellow, but looks a lot like orange and it's meaning is to USE CAUTION. Mom just likes to say it means go faster.

Remi once again, pipes up and says, "Careful Mom, don't get a ticket!"

Oh, you little turd :D

Just one of those days.

2011-02-04T20:40:00.004-06:00

Remember that song by Monica titled Just One Of Those Days? (and I probably just dated myself)
This way my day from the get-go.
We had made a 9:30 appointment for Bella's five year/Trolley Run picture. Which means rush, rush, rush, wait, wait. Somehow being the second appointment, they were already running behind, not good when you are waiting with Bells.
Our turn pops up and disaster hits. Bella kicks, screams, hides in a corner, licks the backdrop,etc. You name it, she did it...that would be all but smiling...
Thirty minutes later and threats of no T.V. for the rest of the day, I threw in the towel.

The photographer was aghast and really I'm not sure if it was directed towards me or my five year old that was acting like a child who had severe autism (which she does not).
I would love to say that I frankly didn't care what the photographer thought, but I did. I wondered what she was whispering to her follow co-workers. I tried to think that she was commending me for not breaking down and keeping my cool while I calmly collected my heaping, mess of a screaming child off the floor and told her we were done for the day. When really she probably thought I was a push-over with a super spoiled child on my hands.
Or maybe that's what I wonder. How much of this episode was caused from her C.P., S.I.D, C.V.I., etc, etc. and how much of it is that she is an out of control, spoiled child?

I have tried very hard to never coddle Bella or make excuses for her, but I do feel that if Remington had pulled this stunt today, I might have acted differently.

I made Joe stop at Starbucks so I could douse my anger/disappointment into a cup of steaming mocha. Then I proceeded to run off to my happy place for an hour.
Otherwise, known as TARGET.

Do you know that Bella never asked for T.V. once today? That freaking blows me away. That also means she get's it and maybe it's time to take off the kiddie gloves.

99%

2011-02-02T22:40:00.006-06:00

June 2008

The subject of another baby has come up before, in fact, it has been consuming my thoughts since Joe proposed the idea early this past summer.

Am I crazy?
Can I handle it?
Wonder if it would be a boy or girl?
Remi needs a play buddy.
Can we afford it?
Third kid means staying with the mini van instead of the cute car I would rather have.
Baby feet.
I should lose more weight before another pregnancy.
I should run a marathon this year.
Soft wispy hair against my lips.

I know, so wishy-washy. I worry that this moment in time may never come again. Will I regret the decisions I have made, based on circumstances that are beyond my control.
Having a third is tough, but having a third when you already have one that consumes you so wholly, will be extremely difficult.
Then I start to think about the future and not just mine, but Remi and Bella's too. Siblings are always there for each other no matter the differences. What happens when Joe and I are gone? Who will take care of Bella? Should this be placed on his shoulders alone?

On and on and on I could go with my thoughts.

So sitting today in Bella's room with the sunshine glistening through the window warming my legs (and obviously my ovaries), I turned to Joe and said.

"I want another baby. At least I'm 99% sure."

Big Boy Bed

2011-01-21T20:38:00.003-06:00

Yesterday we went to an unknown's lady's home and bought Remi this awesome train bed. We have been searching for weeks on craiglist for a Cars, Thomas or anything in between, but was unwilling to pay the crazy price for these beds.

We had prepared Remi for this stage by having Santa bring him a Thomas pillowcase for his soon-to-be big boy bed and talked frequently about how big he has gotten and how much he has outgrown his crib. Mostly due to the overwhelming number of stuffed animals he keeps in there, but that's here nor there.

We haul this bed home in pieces and since Joe has the day off, his job is to put it together. Thinking I know my son better than anyone, I figure this bed is going to sit in his room for a week (minimum) to allow him to adjust to the sight of it, but since he is now such a big boy. He hops in then hops out, collects all his animals and blankets and climbs back in. "All aboard." and "This is so cool." are two phrases he keeps saying over and over again. I am astounded that he is even touching the thing.

So after book last night, he runs to his bed and never looks back.
I can't believe it. Really, my son who has to look at a pair of shoes for two weeks before he will even try them on has jumped in this new bed with abandonment.

Then roughly one'ish (to be honest I have no idea what time it was) I am awoken with this blood curdling scream from Remington's room. I barely open the door and he is climbing up my legs.
He spends the rest the night in our room. Something that never happens. I really do mean never. Throughout the night we keep asking if he is ready to go back to his bed and he tells us,
No way Joseway".

Morning comes and he tells me about his terrible dream. Then wants me to go into his "spooky" room to show me exactly what happened.

It goes a little like this:

*A ghost comes into my room and peaks at me in my big boy bed and yells at me to get out of there. He was really scary, then he shakes my bed until I get out.*

Wow, that was some dream. No wonder he was spooked.

Tonight after reading our bedtime book, he starts to whimper that he wants his baby bed back. So we go and transfer all babies and four blankets back over into the baby bed.
He curls up and says. "Now the ghost won't be mad at me."

Okay, so I'm a little spooked myself now. Do you think he had a bad dream or really has ghosts in his room? This isn't the first time that he has talked about ghosts in his room, but we always chalk it up to imagination. Then I think about how they say little kids are more prone to see things over adults, because their minds haven't shut off the possibilities.
And whenever we play house, cars, trains, etc. the theme is always ghosts.

So is this something that needs to be addressed or is it simply a little guy too scared to sleep uncaged and out in the open?
I'm not going to push him. If this is just his fear, hopefully he will work through it in time. If it's the other possibility of paranormal, then I'm kicking some major ghost tail. How dare that thing scare my little buddy. He obviously doesn't know that Hell is in a form of a Mother that is pissed off.

And the award goes to...

2011-01-14T20:31:00.005-06:00

As I'm getting the kids ready for bed tonight. Bella looks at me and says. "Mom is so fun!" Ha, yeesss! That's the best compliment she can give me, especially because I always feel like with her it's a constant monitoring, which could be interpreted as nagging. Just ask my husband.

"Bella, hands out of your mouth."
"No hitting"
"Say sorry"
"When your done crying, we can talk"
"No more Wonder Pets or Backyardigans tonight"
"After you eat"
"Go pee before we leave"
"Use your words"

Second, what an awesome sentence! Whoohoo Bell's

I hug her and tell her I love her, she tells me "you too". Then Remi argues that no he loves me and of course they then argue back and forth with one word bursts.
"Yes"
"No"
"Yes"
"No"
over and over, until I grab them and yell "Group Hug"

Man, I love my kids.

Didn't I just say that?

2011-01-08T20:52:00.004-06:00

You know the saying, "Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus"? In this house lately it is proving to be true. We have been having such a rough go at it and by it, I mean staying connected.
He is working 60hr work weeks (god bless him), he's flat out exhausted and run down while still trying to be a Father and a Husband.

That said. It's not working!

I feel neglected, lonely and resentful. Which in turn, makes me grumpy, bitchy and hateful. (Those might all three be the same thing, but I was really trying to make my point.)
We bickered all morning, like every morning. First he can't get up. Then he wants to lay on the couch until he has to take a shower, then go to work again. When I make him be with the kids, he either gets mad because they aren't playing like he thinks they should or just doesn't want to play with them, because he thinks it's boring. It's like a never ending cycle.Do,do, be, be, try, try,please stay, please go.
I'm at home at all times with the kids, who are missing their Dad and asking questions like "why" and "when". He says I don't understand and I say he doesn't understand. Um, okay. Glad we made our points.

We've been together 10yrs + now and have had some really rough times. Miscarriage, job losses, Bella's disabilities, lack of funds (beyond lack), depression, crappy jobs,etc.etc.etc.

In the grand scheme of things are we really that much different then most couples out there?
Is it all about sticking it through no matter what? Or are the matter what's suppose to wake you up and realize that things need to change?

I have no idea. My parents split, with an ugly divorce, when I was six. Maybe my mind-set is already made up that single parents are what happens when two people marry then have kids. Isn't it always after the kids, that suddenly the couple that fell madly in love with each other start having problems?
Usually because one feels strongly over their life and the other feels strongly over their family?

When we first started dating, I can remember that we'd finish each others sentences or say the same thing at the same time.
Now, it's not so cute when he finishes my sentences and lately he repeats everything numerous times in the same day over the same thing, work.
If I bring up a past subject, he'll say 'when did you say that' or 'you never told me that'. Which leaves me raising my eyebrows and my hands to the air wondering where the heck he's been.

I realize I'm no angel, far from it. I'm not even trying to insinuate that. I guess, I'm just worked up over it and figured I'd try writing it down to see if it makes more sense. I think all it's done is make me feel bad. I really am trying to be understanding, but damn it's hard!

Silence is golden

2011-01-06T20:14:00.005-06:00

After 3 weeks of sick children, with myself included in this, Joe thought I needed a day to myself.
I dropped Bella off at school, 30 minutes late-it was our Monday-and quickly ran back out the door without much word to anyone.

I drove to Zona, actually called home and offered to have breakfast with Daddy and Rem's (mainly from guilt). Thankfully, they declined.

I decided that a pedicure and movie were in order for a Mommy day, but first a stop at Barnes and Noble. And of course, they have Starbucks, which is a must. I wandered around looking at every aisle, even the baby stuff. Enjoying the quiet. With the lack of my brain in constant motion tracking two children and solving arguments, it was a remedy for pure relaxation. I finished my Mocha and an hour later left without even buying a book. (Amazon has way better prices)

Then I went to ON for a new shirt. I shop with the best of intentions most times, but usually only walk away with things for the kids.
I found the cutest Cameron shirt. (Cameron from Modern Family) Only that is was a girls shirt and the Medium was too small and the Large was too big, but I didn't care, it was mine. I'll just dry it an extra long time...

Off to the pedicure, leaving myself an hour until the first movie played at the theatre. It was so indulgent to sit in the massage chair and have someone play with my feet and legs for an hour! "Do I want a salt scrub?" Why sure, bring it.

I arrived at the movies with ten minutes to go and congratulated myself on awesome planning, bought myself some nachos (with extra jalapenos please)and crunched away in theatre 18 all alone. Literally, no one was there. Weird, but also very nice. I propped my yellow flipflops that the salon gave me on my seat in front of me and chomped away, not worrying one bit about how loud I was crunching or the calories I was consuming.

The movie, How Do You Know, was just alright. Nothing to write home about, but as I climbed inside the mini to go pick up Bells, I realized I hadn't spoken a dozen words all day. No yelling,No stressing to figure out what Bella was saying, No information overload with Remington, No babbling to Joe, No constant energy exerted.

It was dang near perfect...A little selfish, but much needed.

Affirmation

2011-01-04T21:22:00.003-06:00

I haven't written about Bella in sometime now. Mainly because she has been so dang frustrating and hard to deal with. What four year old isn't? But this four (now five)year old developed this crazy habit of watching Wonder Pets and Backyardigans.

Two shows on the channel NickJr...It's like Preschool on TV...so they say.

Anyway, this wasn't a wanna watch a few a night. This was, wanna watch hours upon hours,then throw yourself on the floor in fits when they ended or bedtime happened. In my pre-Mommy days, I swore that my future children would be monitored in their allowance of television time. TV will rot your brains. Isn't that what we were always told?
The joy she receives from watching these shows is unreal. She stands about two inches from the TV and dances, sings and talks along with them the entire time. At this point, little else was giving her satisfaction with her knowledge of her disabilities becoming more apparent.

So we have compromised. As in, these two shows are my ultimate bribing tool. I know, terrible, but it works.

Me-Time for Dinner

Bella-Nooooo WonderPets and Backyaya's

Me-One more Wonder Pets and Backyardigans after you eat all your dinner

Bella O.K.A.Y.!!! (she sounds out each word so cute and sassy)

See, magic.

Recently Bella's speech has made leaps and bounds with short sentences and correct pronunciation of words. I sort of believe it has everything to do with watching her shows. She is able to concentrate so intently on them and soak everything in, more so then if you or I was talking directly to her.

Tonight when I tucked her into bed and kissed her freshly bathed curls, I whispered. "Love you Bells."
And she looked at me in the dim light and said. "You too Mommy."

As I closed her door, I stood in the hallway for a minute, while tears sprang to my eyes and thanked Wonder Pets and Backyardigans.
That little sentence was perfect. She is content and that makes me happy in where we are at. TV overload and all.

Jan. 2011

2011-01-03T16:31:00.005-06:00

Really? Already? Wasn't Joe and I just laying on the couch together kissing in the year 2010?
Well this year was a blur. I wonder why that is or maybe that is just normal for most, especially parents of young children. Aw, I remember adults telling me when I was a kid to enjoy my time/school/etc and that soon the clock would catch up to me like it does to everyone. Back then, it seemed impossible. Time, days, hours seemed to drag on for an eternity. What I wouldn't do to slow that clock down again.
Now, I feel like I stretch each day out to it's fullest and still end up with dirty dishes, unfolded clothes, bags under my eyes and wishes for more playtime.

I would love to promise myself that 2011 will be different. That I will take more time out to enjoy the little things, but life as it is for us, will probably continue the same. What I do promise myself is to pause more. When I become so frustrated/crazy/stressed/sad/excited, to allow myself a moment to pause and realize that "I got this, no biggie, breathe."

On another subject, I only set one goal for 2011. To become a runner.
Pure and simple. Running makes me feel like I can accomplish anything, relieves my stress, drips my sweat and frustrations onto the road (or treadmill), allows me to fly. As haphazardly as I've run this past year, I remain good at it and quickly fall back in to the routine without much pain.
So have at it~ I'm a runner ~ ha
(mini goal-I know, I said only one, but this falls under sub goal)to run the Trolley Run in under 40 minutes, looking for a 10m/mile or less. Cake? Right???

I really do understand...or more than you know

2010-10-18T13:29:00.004-05:00

I took the opportunity that Mother Nature gave Rem-dog and I and we spent the entire morning at the park after dropping Bella off at school.
This is Penguin Park in KC. I used to go to this park when I was a little girl and would beg upon endless hours to go as often as possible. They have a giant penguin which used to be a big slide and is now closed up and has a little slide off to the side and a giant kangaroo that also has a giant slide inside of it, but always smelled like pee. Hmmm, wonder why?

I like to take Monday and Thursday's and have a little one-on-one time with Remington. This is something he has never had before and it is such a blast for the both of us. Of course, I feel guilty, because it is so much fun and non-stressful. Oh wait, I think the word I am looking for is "Normal". Good thing Bella was my first or the ease of Remi would've had me a true baby-making machine. Arooga!

Anyway, since my "normal" kid is running around and acting like a normal kid, I am able to people watch. People watching is one of my favorite things to do, but unfortunately we are usually the ones being watched.
This morning there were a few handicapped children at the park. Actually both of them had down syndrome and seemed to be around Remi's age. One little girl was super cute, but reminded me of Bells, licking everything before or after she touched it, even the ground numerous times. The Mother, of course was beside herself. Yelling and screaming at her to stop, that it was icky.
The other little boy was so excited to be at the park, that his excitement was contagious. Except his Mother kept apologizing for his excitability.

I have been in both places. The mouthing thing is gross, but I have learned after almost five years that it won't kill'em. It might actually work opposite and make their immune systems like Superman, at least Bella's is.
The second Mom overly apologizing. I get that, there have been times after an outing that I wonder to myself If I could've said, 'I was sorry' any more than I did. And really what was I sorry for? Sorry that my kid stuck out like a sore thumb or didn't play like the other kids? Yeah, I guess pretty much. I have learned from this too. Unless Bella is harming another child, I don't apologize for her behavior. Hey, everyone is different in their own ways, even the "normal" kids. Like the one that refused to wear shoes and the grandma threw up her hands or the little boy with blue tiger stripes in his hair. Weird! ha And yes, Remi now wants tiger stripes in his hair, but you guessed it, they have to be YELLOW.

Stop being so stupid...it's my turn

2010-10-11T13:37:00.003-05:00

Crazy weekend. That being, I was a tad crazy this weekend. If you were within 2 feet of me, we probably got into a fight. I can't blame PMS, although isn't that handy when you can? I just think I slipped off the rocker for a few days and now I'm good again.
Part of my problem is the holding it all in until I explode! Yep, anyone familiar with that one?
My life is super stressful right now and instead of finding a way to work with it or around the stresses, I just keep taking them in and letting them build up on one another. Remember that game Tetris? I hated that game,even the music got to me, because anytime the screen became over half full, I would freak out and make more and more mistakes until eventually I would lose the game. This is kind of how I deal with my life.

On a positive note, I ran a total of 16 miles last week (5 days) and strength trained 3 days for roughly 30 minutes...

I insert this information at this point, because I have figured out this is my saving grace, exercise. It clears out my head, makes the weight on my shoulders feel less heavy, reorganizes the crappy pieces to make them fit together again.

I do have a problem though, on the days I didn't run (ex:this weekend) I was a mess. What do I do with this pent-up energy when I can't run?

VOC with children

2010-10-08T15:45:00.004-05:00

So a few of us Mom's from school have given ourselves this special name,like a sorority of sorts. We are God blessed with our special angel children (read sarcasm), so we are allowed to do such things. And today was our first outing with our children included.
We went to Weston's Red Barn Farm. It was gorgeous and the animals smelled ripe and ready for petting. So we did just that, along with four other bus loads of children from various schools. Yikes. I thought I would be cleaver and dress Bella, Remi and myself all in red(it also is red friday)so we would be easy to spot, but one of the four groups had also choose red today for their color, along with groups of blue, orange and yellow. Oh how Remi wanted to be with the yellow group.

I was a little hesitant for this trip anyway due to Bella and outings, but I figured we would all be dealing with the same kind of issues. Ha I was quickly proven wrong. Bella didn't want to be at the farm the first second we got there. Rolling on the ground, kicking and screaming and often found sitting alone in the dirt somewhere. The hayride was the only calming factor for Bella that seemed to regroup her senses. This hayride took place at the end of the excursion, minus all but one of the other families. How was I to know that the others hadn't purchased hayride tickets? The lady at the gate told me my group had purchased these tickets. Really?

When we were done with the ride we had lost the group, which we found out later, had left us to go to the next place, lunch. Um, okay, thanks for the heads up. Glad we didn't spend 10 hellish minutes looking for you, before dragging the kids back to the car so I could use my cell phone.

So I packed the whining, hungry, thirsty children into the van and drove the five miles down the road to get to the cafe we had all planned to meet at.

Lunch was worse. Bella refuses to sit in her seat, rolling on the floor, licking the air vents on the floor, smashing her food, screaming when told to sit and using the bathroom as many times as I would allow her. *I would love to blame this on the pure exhaustion from the farm, but this is typical Bella behavior at a restaurant.*

Please someone tell me what I am doing wrong? Please someone help me understand and deal appropriately with Sensory Intergration Disorder? Please someone tell me it will only get better and Bella will be able to handle daily life one day without trained professionals following her every move?
Please tell me I am not selfish for wanting the VOC to never again include our children in our outings?
Please tell me I wasn't a bitch when one of the other Mom's said, "this was fun!" and I didn't reply?

My Eat, Pray, Love kind of day

2010-10-06T22:35:00.005-05:00

So the original plan today was to go bowling or batting cages while both kids were in school since Joe has Wednesday's off and we have 3 wonderful kid free hours to do what we like, but after chit-chatting with other parents in the parent room at school till 9:15 that only left us a little over two hours. Poop.

We ate breakfast at Eggtc. A cute, hip little cafe downtown. We had never been to this breakfast joint and it was really tasty. That's my eat part.

Then with only an hour left before we went back to pick up Remi. I had this fun, quirky idea to head over to this house that we have passed many times with a sign in the front yard stating palm readings for $10.Bucks. Sweet. Cheap and funny, perfect way to waste an hour.
We walk up to the front door and the sign instructed us to ring bell and wait. So we did, long enough, that I begin to wonder if anyone was actually going to open the door.
Then this old Indian woman opened the door as she hung up from her cordless phone. I immediately began to doubt my idea, but what's ten dollars?
She informs us that she tells no lies and has been doing this for 50 years and many generations past along their knowledge to her, oh and that the ten dollar one was for kids. We had a choice of $25/50/99. The first option was for just palm reading, the second was for palm and card and the last was for complete reading with crystals and cleansing.
Since she didn't have a Visa machine, I sent Joe on his way to an ATM while she started on my palm. My palm disturbed her so much that she went on with a tarot reading too.

I know, what your thinking, I was thinking the same thing.

Then she started talking and that's when I had to work hard to keep my poker face in place. !!Holy fireballs!!
First thing she said to me (and I won't even try to imitate her accent) 'was that I want to run away, every morning, but I always come back, I will always come back'. This is a deep secret that probably only a handful of people know about me. Mostly because it sounds sad, selfish and small of me. I do want to run away. I've cried many of nights on Joe's shoulders telling him that this (being my life) is too hard and I just want to run away from it all. Whether, that be for a week or months or years...not that I ever really could run away, but it's there. Gnawing at me like a wild beast trying to escape from my chest.
Second she went on to tell me that 'I was a fixer, I like to fix too many people, give problem to me and I fix'. Um, yeah, dead on. I will stress over a friends problem just like my Mother does and want to take it on like my own to make them feel better.
'big worry lines, worry over everything, so sad on inside, breaking apart, but smiles on outside'. Guilty. I have been so sad lately that I can cry on cue.
She wanted to know what I worry over. Lover,child,money? "No" she says "Lover,but husband, he work wrong work and leave family, you two drift apart, no good, no fix lover only bring you down, you too many fixes, absorbed too many bad aura's, I fix you, I pray for you, you meditate? no. need to meditate. . Um, I have been talking about trying meditation to ease stress and anxiety every since I read that book(Eat,Pray,Love) a few months back.

She tells me to pick up three cards scattered on this table next to the couch. And at first I pick up the first three I see, then laugh and say something about mixing it up a little, so I dig around and find three cards and hand them over to the Indian lady.

Ready for it to get even weirder?

First card is of a sad lady that she tells me is me, "see you so sad, lady in picture is you and you go on trip to sea on boat?" I reply that only in my dreams, but in truth, I am trying to plan a Mom's trip and just last week I sent an email to a few of them with cruise options and was super excited over the prices and thought that the cruise would be a perfect choice for all of us..."no" she said "you must go on big boat at sea and be happy, you must.
Moving on to the second card...It's of a baby with a small star in the background or something. She asks, "you have have sick baby? no baby walk or talk, trouble baby? no worry over sick baby she be fine, you worry too much over baby. she good, no?" This is when I might have shed a small tear. It's not like I have a sign on me that says, Mother of Disabled Kid.

Now, Joe comes back from the ATM at this time and she rushes him in with great urgency and insists on reading his palm. She is dead on with him too. Yo-yo thoughts, bad job, worry, feels like he failed his family, should own your own business, not make right choices, not to trust friends and family. She goes on to tell him to make a wish and she says she grants it or tells him that she will make it true, then since he didn't have any more money, she was done with him.

Then she looks at Joe and tells him to go away, that she needs to speak to me in private. Poor Joe heads out the door and I'm a little nervous about what she is going to tell me, but she goes back to looking at my hand with her little wand waving over it.
"oh I pray, you two much love for each other, but jealousy in house not good for you two, he mean to you with words some days only since he yo-yo and not know better, bad aura you soak up, no fix him, he fix himself, due time he will" Just at breakfast I had told Joe that he was being mean to me with his snappy remarks, something that we are both bad about.
Then she goes on to tell me that "all friends I have, be careful, they no like me behind my back but smile to face, very jealous of me, no good for me, someone has such bad aura around you and you are hidden, let me fix you soon. How soon?"

Third card is of an angel. Someone close to me or someone that meant something to me, very dear to me. That could be two things either my Grandmother who I did adore or my miscarriage, but both of these are so broad that I don't mention either and she continues on.

I tell her that maybe in a few weeks we could try a little of this crystal cleansing that she kept talking about and she refused making me promise sooner. I told her I would try, then she gets a phone call, but no one is there so I take that as my chance to stand up and leave. She stands with me and gives me a big hug. I sort of hug her back. She tells me once again that "she fix me, she like me a lot, I am happy, but sad now, I be happy so soon again" and that she 'likes my big man and to remember to love him and share with him everything'. "Come back even if you no money, I help. Call me anytime with questions, I help you".

Wow! That's the pray and love part of my day.

Really I was astounded with her and greatly intrigued. And if she is full of baloney. Then call me Oscar.
Maybe she is suppose to be my Guru

No, it's not hot as hell!

2010-09-07T13:23:00.004-05:00

So after a really crappy morning, in more ways than one, I pass this Church sign that reads, "God is hidden in our daily lives". As much as I understand this to be true and even get where they are going with this saying, I can't help but chuckle to myself. If this was true in my world (okay morning), then God would be covered in shit and spilled Root-Beer. Just saying.

I do love a clever Church sign, but this one didn't make the grade today.

New School Year

2010-08-31T13:50:00.003-05:00

So the new school year is under way, week two for Bella and day one for Remington.

Bella is now going all day (8:30-3:00)four days a week in Preschool 4. We were so lucky to have remained with the same Teacher as last year, but we have lost a few of our favorite Therapists. As always, my little girl seems to rise to the occasion and meet new challenges head on. She follows directions well, plays with her new friends, eats lunch with the other students and rests at nap-time without a fuss. It's the after school that seems to be our new issue. Bella is so wound-tight that after school that she is like a ticking time bomb.
The good news in all of this, is that bedtimes seem to be less of a struggle since she is so exhausted. We'll give her time. It's always been up to Bella to adjust to things in her own time frame, and I believe she will in this too.

Like I said before, today was Rem-Dogs first day of school. I know he is young, but the social setting will be good for him. He will be a sighted-peer at CCVI (Bella's school) in Preschool 1. He will go Tuesday and Wednesday mornings (8:30-11:30). Remi was so excited today as we got ready to go and packed his little M&M backpack up with spare clothes and diapers. He practically ran to class, but was surprised when I redirected him into a different class. Remi thought that going to school meant he was going to be with Bella and her Teacher (whom he might have a little crush on), so this was his first shock. Then when I kissed him goodbye that was shock number 2 that sent him over the edge.
Rumor has it that he cried most of the morning, but I guess that was to be expected since he has been attached to my hip since day one. He told me on the drive home that he cried all day and ate yellow waffles and that they were "Mmmmm". What more could you ask for on a first day.

Party of Five?

2010-07-26T14:51:00.005-05:00

It's been a well known fact that I love kids, with the thought that the more the merrier. Joe, on the other hand, was happy with one and surprised over the second one. Yet, this past Friday he comes home all giddy and says he is ready to have another baby.

This is the part where I feel like Mel Gibson, "WHAT?".

So, what do I do but doubt him and try and talk him out of it, when in reality this has been what I have been wanting, oh since Remi was a day old. I want that big family with it's crazy days (done) and family get-together's when they are older, and grand babies galore.
I love being pregnant. I think it would be so much fun to add another cute little Riddell to the mix. Bella and Remi would be awesome siblings!

So why am I trying to talk him out of it?
Well, first there is Bella. With her many complications that seems to be more challenging as she ages. It's nice to have two parents with two kids. Trust me, Bella takes one person easy.
Second there is Remington, who couldn't be more sweet and loving. Would being a middle child change that in him? Would having Bella take up so much time and a baby take up the rest, make him get lost in the shuffle?
Third there is the money/car/house issue. Then as they age, it's the soccer, piano, baseball lesson's
Fourth-Our family's help in near to none. In four and half years, Joe and I have had one overnight without the kids. And to ask either three sets of grandparents to watch them is like pulling teeth. My Mother who, thankfully does most of the watching, can only handle a few hours. My In-Laws don't like to be bothered with watching them, since they never had that luxury when they were raising their three kids (actual words). And just forget about my Dad and Step-mom or the kids' Aunt's and Uncle's. The fear of Bella has kept everyone stuck in this mentality that she is breakable and unmanageable. When really she is fun, funny and a joy to be around. She just takes a little extra time, patience and love then most "normal" kids.

So, back to the big question. Should we go for broke (bad humor) or stick with what God (that's for you Joe) has given us?

I asked Joe for six months to decide, but it has only been a few days and I think I am pretty sure of my decision.

Clear as Mud

2010-06-21T13:43:00.004-05:00

Another birthday party this weekend equals tears for Mom at night. You see it's these times when we are surrounded by "normal" kids does Bella's weaknesses really show.

Don't get me wrong, we know how blessed we are for the progress she has made and the journey she has traveled so far in her life, but when your child is sectioned by herself because she can't keep up or communicate or even play correctly with the other kids her age, it breaks my heart. And the older she becomes the more even she notices the differences between herself and the other kids, including her own brother. When faced with social outings such as birthday parties or trips to the Zoo, my outgoing social butterfly becomes a complete introvert and lives in her own world ignoring all things around her, usually wanting to seclude herself someplace quite and dark and if she is unable to find this place, she just craves movement. Constant walking, sucking on toys or crying uncontrollably.

So yes, I am so happy that my Daughter is lucky that she has learned to walk, run, swim, etc., but as her Mother I wish for her more. I wish she could talk sentences and ride her bike with her cousins and "see" the animals at the zoo. I wish for her that everything wouldn't have to be so challenging for her, like stepping off a curb or climbing stairs or that the smallest bump wouldn't cause a terrible bruise(s). I wish for her that she could be just a boring old normal four year old with struggles like learning how to tie her shoe, instead of having such difficulty with finger isolation, that at this point, it seems impossible to even slip the shoes on.

I wish and hope each day that my darling, endearing little girl doesn't become lost inside herself from the constant struggles she faces and that one day she is able to live a 'normal' life that she deserves and only becomes stronger from the trials that was so unfairly given to her.

Remi turned 2

2010-06-21T13:22:00.003-05:00

Wow, March? Really that's the last time I wrote a blog. I write so many in my head throughout the day that I forget to actually sit down and write them on a computer. That's the next great invention, an internal recording device. Or maybe that's the same as a recorder, minus the internal part.

My little boy turned two on the 13Th. It's crazy how fast time can go by, yet I think about individual times or memories and remember them lasting so long. Like Remi not sleeping through the night until he was 9months old. That was the longest nine months of my life. Or his colic for the first 3months, that almost had my stuffing him back where he came from. Then I think about this last year in particular and how much he grew and changed each day. The first time he sang "Twinkle, twinkle" in the car or told me he "wooved me" or his obsession with yellow items; cars, bananas, clothes, toys,etc. Or just like this morning when we woke up his sister (tables turned-rarity)and he curled up to her and grabbed her arm to lay across his body and said, "Hi sissy". Boo-hoo I just wanted to freeze time right then and there.

Received news last week that Remi would start Preschool, two mornings a week, at his sister's school (CCVI) this fall as a sighted peer. It will be with the same teacher that Bella started with and for that I am super excited. I can't wait to watch him grow and change even more as he is introduced into a social setting.

My little man is so special, with his sweet brown eyes and happy-go-lucky nature, he is a joy to be around and brings smiles to my life every day.

To the Rem-Dog

Venting!

2010-03-11T15:54:00.005-06:00

Spring break next week for the kids? Yikes, forgot. What shall we do with ourselves??? Hopefully the weather decides if "spring warm" should be something it should test out or not. That's my vote anyways. I still don't always feel like I've mastered the art of parenting to two children. Maybe frazzled and sweaty is something that is a normal feeling and someone just forgot to clue me into this. Because I swear, take the kids into a store and no matter how calm I am or they are, we usually leave with someone mad, someone crying and someone feeling worn-out. You can guess who is who on each emotion.

Saint Patty's Day Parade at Bella's school. Guess who forgot to dress their little girl in green today? Yep, me! And I love Saint Patrick's Day. Since I'm 'mostly' Irish, you'd think I'd be all for this one and place it right up there with the other important ones; like birthdays and Christmas. Oh well, there is always next year.

Can't seem to find the energy for the gym!? Trolley Run is coming quickly (7weeks) and I am in sad, sad shape. Did I mention that I've signed up to run? Holy Sh*t!!!
Went to the gym Monday and ran pretty well for 2miles stopping only for a tenth of a mile to catch my breath, but then skipped last night due to bad mood. What? Bad mood, really?
Then here's the real kicker. Joe has been going to the gym in the mornings waking up at 5:30.
(Read: I'm a grouchy bear don't make a sound or I'll bite your head off 5:30am. I can be such a total B sometimes, mornings mostly.)
Anyways, he gets home this morning and climbs back in bed to tell me that he ran 3 miles straight without stopping and at a 5.5 clip. His personal best. I really was happy for him, but also jealous. Jealous? It's like a secret competition between us that we don't speak of, but both know that it lies there like sour milk only with chocolate bunny sprinkles* added to it to make taste a little sweeter. Maybe competition is okay to have among spouses, but jealousy? Not so much. I hated that he reached this mark before me. I hated that I didn't go to the gym last night and instead feasted on Popeyes Chicken for dinner topped off with Andy Caps fries while watching the dvr'd show, Biggest Loser

*Nestle Quik-Remi calls it "BunBun", which is his yellow bunny that he adores.

Looking for my motivation to eat well!? I think it found a super hiding spot and is not showing itself...Like a game of Marco Polo. Only when I scream "Marco" it never screams "Polo".
You get my drift.
Each week I arm the kitchen with only good food and have great hopes of "getting back to it", but somewhere around day two or three of healthy eating, I slip then start thinking "ah, what the hell, there is always tomorrow". I know nutty, yet it somehow makes since at the time.
I've went from 10 pounds to go until my goal to now 20 pounds. Yikes. And if I'm honest with myself and the numbers, I should probably adjust my goal to make it read thirty pounds to go until healthy weight is reached. I figure I'll play that trick on my mind when I'm in closer range of reaching the first goal.
I hate to say this, but I do believe I am setting myself up to fail before I have ever allowed myself to succeed. We have all watched enough Biggest Loser's, Jillian, to know that there is emotional issues playing into this and for the life of me, I swear I cannot figure out why I am doing this.

Thinking of hiring a personal trainer!? Still thinking on this one. I have this gym fear. I get all reserved once my time is up on the treadmill. Like, "well, now what?" I look around and at our gym it is 95% men and 2% fit women with the remainder (myself included) falling into a category that would probably be described as the Tries Hard group. You know the ones that seem to give it all they've got, but for some reason unknown by all, they just never seem to change their god-giving body shapes.
So maybe if I had scheduled appointments set with a trainer that would push and punish and make me accountable, this would help me turn a corner. Then again, it could just be a really expensive letdown?!?

More to come...

KC Trolley Run

2010-02-28T16:19:00.003-06:00

Trolley Team ~ Bella’s Barracudas 2009

The IncrediBella’s

Dear Family and Friends,

It is Trolley Run time-the four-mile run/walk that we participate in each year to support Isabella’s school, The Children’s Center for the Visually Impaired (CCVI). The race is on Sunday, April 25, and we would love it if you would come walk with us. If you cannot walk with us, please consider making a donation to our CCVI Family Team, named The IncrediBella’s. We realize it is a tough economic time for everyone, but this is the time when CCVI needs us the most. Every donation, regardless of size, makes a difference.

You can donate directly through our personal website, listed at the bottom of this letter, or make a check out to CCVI and mail it to our home address at 1702 NW 63^rd Ter in Kansas City MO 64118. CCVI is a 501(c)(3) so you can write off your donation.

CCVI has done so much for Isabella and our family, that it is hard to even put those things into a letter.

*They gave us information and education to help guide us along this very foreign path to assure Bella is able to live a life to her fullest ability. Not to mention, along the way becoming our “Rays of Sunshine” when things seemed so dark and life altering. CCVI has been a part of our lives since Bella was 3 months old.

*CCVI has been responsible for teaching Bella to walk, run, climb up and down stairs and swim. The last being Bella’s personal favorite, jumping off the edge and swimming to the top, scaring her Mother to pieces and keeping her Therapist on their toes!

*CCVI has awarded Bella with the tools for communication, something in which she still has great difficulty. To not only participate in classroom activities, but also call the Grandparents on the phone. Isabella has been taught American Sign Language (ASL), Verbal speech and computer skills. In the last twelve months her verbal words have increased from 6 to 56!!! With attempts at placing two and three words together to make sentences. Isabella has become quite the little four year old with attitude to boot, yelling at her Brother, asking for more of a certain item or activity, saying “Momma”, or pretend playing with friends and toys.

*Isabella knows her colors, shapes, days of the week and ABC’s. Bella loves music with Mr. Mac on Mondays and circle time in the classroom.

*Now that the potty-training issues have been tackled, CCVI is working on independent activities, such as buttons, ties, snaps and successful washing of the hands without flooding the bathroom. Something Bella has been known to do from time-to-time.

All of this wouldn’t be possible without the therapy from CCVI. She gets physical therapy, aquatic therapy, occupational therapy, assistive technology/augmentative communication therapy, speech therapy , orientation and mobility and vision therapy. Because vision plays such a huge role in nearly everything we do, it is important for Isabella to get all this therapy through CCVI. There are a lot of things that have to be taught to these kids that sighted kids would learn just by watching others.

So, you can see just how important CCVI is – and this is just to one little girl. There are more than 300 other children that CCVI serves annually. We appreciated your support last year and hope to have your continued support this year!

Love,

Joe, Rachel, Isabella and Remington Riddell

http://public.eventunited.com/kcsc/sabateseyecentersTrolleyrun2010/TeamFundraising.aspx?tid=4207

Longest blog in history and catching up

2010-01-19T21:04:00.007-06:00

I would almost argue with this blog thingy that it has been since October since my last post. Really? Where has the time gone?
The holidays have all come and gone and we made many new memories to store away in that little compartment I call a brain.

The kids were little blue monsters for Halloween. Which was adorable, yet very fitting for the two of them. (Here is a picture of them on Halloween at the KC Zoo)
Joe had to work Halloween night at his second job so I attempted to take the kids trick-or-treating all by myself. We armed ourselves with bags and flashlights (Thomas the train choo-choo light) and headed out after dark. At first both of them were a little thrown by the night-time activity, but as we walked and saw more children dressed up and walking with us, they quickly got into the spirit.
Remi was adorable with his train flashlight and almost used it like his security blanket. Every time someone or something would happen or come along that he was unsure of, he would click it on to hear the train whistle blow and that would seem to soothe him enough to carry on. Did I mention that he carried this important flashlight backwards the whole way. What I would've given for a picture of us walking from behind.

Bella was all about ringing the doorbells and saying (signing) "thank you" for her candy. It was a pretty slow moving walk since each house in our neighborhood has several stairs leading up to the front doors, but she was such a trooper. We made it all the way around our block and finished the night by answering our own door and re-passing out the candy we had just collected. The kids were so excited to hand out candy to the monsters/vampires/football players, etc that they didn't realize their evil Mom was giving away the huge stash of candy which they had just earned.
The kids and I ended the night by eating a piece of candy and going to bed (or at least they went to bed), I waited up on Joe to get home so I could tell him every little detail and moment that he missed out on. And I might have cried a little on his shoulder because it was so sad that he missed such a fun night and we will never have it to do over again. Those memories that the kids and I made are just my memories, they are too young to remember and Joe wasn't home and that just doesn't seem right.

Thanksgiving- Um, yeah. Pretty sure we just ate our way around the different houses and moved right on passed this one. I know, us and the rest of America, but this holiday seems to be waning in it's popularity. Joe says its his favorite holiday. Read; he loves pumpkin pie.

All I can ever think about with Thanksgiving is back in 2001. After we had finished stuffing ourselves full of turkey at the Riddell household, walking into the front room where my then sweet dog, Angel and our new little puppy Diablo, were stuffing a little turkey in their own way. Two months later we were "blessed" with two cute bundles we named Missy and Minnie. Missy and Minnie will turn 8 years old Jan. 21 (Thursday). Wow, did I mention how fast time has went? Yes, I think I did.

Bella turned four at the first of December (12-4). We had a big birthday party. Read; family and only one special friend from school, but with family alone this house is busting at the seams. Bella loved ripping into each gift and then tossing them aside so she could open the next. Pretty typical behavior for a four year old, I love when I can say that about her.
I could get all mushy and tell you about her gains this year and even from birth from what they expected, to what actually transpired and is still progressing, but I will save that for another day. I would hate to make this the longest blog in the history of blogs. So we will just move on...

Christmas was so fun this year!!! The kids were both super excited (or maybe they just fed from my excitement) and we filled each day with something fun and special to mark this holiday. We baked cookies (a few times), made popcorn balls, went shopping, visited with Santa, sang songs, took pictures. You get the idea. ha We had our first white Christmas since forever and white it was. It started snowing Christmas eve and didn't stop for days. I think we ended up with 12 inches with another several inches after that. It was pretty and perfect, but too dang cold for us to play in it, which kind of defeats the purpose of snow.

Bella's favorite Christmas song this year (which you would've heard on my voice mail if you called me anytime during this season) was "Jingle Bells". It all started one night when I was doing dishes singing away, not really paying any attention when I noticed Bella was chiming in on the side lines of the song. "Laughing all the way..." she would chuckle. "Jingle all the way..." and she would yell, "HEY". So we ended up singing this song a lot, which was perfect in the end because it was also one of the songs they sang for their school program.
Which speaking of school program. Bella was awesome and amazing this night. Sometimes you may hear a Mother speak about their disabled child as having a great day or an "on day". These are days where the kid is just doing things that may be hard for them normally or it may even be difficult to remember what the disability even is on these days.
This was an "on day" for Bella. She hopped right up there with the rest of the kids, singing, clapping, signing and laughing instead of being overwhelmed or overstimulated, like she has been in the past. I was so happy and excited and weeping all in the same moment.
I love when God blesses us with small moments like these. It gives me hope and encouragement for the future...

Remington was a hoot all around. He loved touching the untouchable ornaments, singing to a Big Bird ornament that hung at eye level. He looked too adorable for words in his Christmas best. He loved to beg for more Christmas stories at bedtime as soon as we had finished with one. He was interested and scared to death at the same time of Santa Clause, never making it to his lap for a picture.
He helped pass out presents to everyone before ripping into his own and yelling, "elmo", "choo-choo", and "arrrarr" for his dog book, perfectly happy playing for hours with his new toys.
Seeing him act and react makes me understand why Christmas is so special for children and feel blessed that we were able to give them a very merry Christmas this year, something that has been very tough for the last few years past.

This holiday season really had me feeling the *tug for a bigger family...more on that to come.

*you know that heavy heart feeling you get when you see or hold a baby or watch your own children accomplish something new or maybe as you are folding outgrown clothes to give away. If you are a woman, you know that tug. Or maybe I'm just loony and Joe should slip me a little birth control in my wine every night...

So that pretty much catches us up to the Now. I am going to try and post more frequently and see if it helps to write it out. And by "it", I mean stress and daily grind, parenting bull-whoohee.

~R

2009-10-15T21:37:00.003-05:00

Been fighting a cold all week, kids too. Had a scare in Bella's preschool class over swine flu. Yikes! We've had the flu shot, but not the H1N1 shot yet. So far looks like a scare is all it is going to be.

Preschool put on a play today about the three little pigs and the big bad wolf, except there were more than three pigs and the big bad wolf is a real sweet-heart. Bella was a pig. We had worked on shaky her head "no" after the wolf was suppose to knock on the door, but yet when it came time today her fingers were stuffed in the mouth and participation was limited. Not sure if this is an age thing or a disabled thing. Maybe a little of both.

After Bella's transfusion at the hospital did some finagling around vehicles with my Mom and I stayed at the hospital to visit with one of Bella's classmates and his family that was in the ER. Now, we've had our fair share of ER visits, but that doesn't make it any easier when you walk into the room and the little kiddo is laying there without being his usual happy self.
Felt out of place, but yet right where I needed to be.
It's funny how people can come in and out of your lives and touch us so deeply without ever knowing so.

Did anyone read the article on CNN about the woman who only used half her brain and was doing amazing? I posted it on facebook and only did so because I couldn't believe what I had read and wanted to share with everyone. Joe and I sometimes will spend nights talking about Bella and how much she is affected in daily rituals that so many take for advantage and I usually end up crying and worrying about her future and what it will hold for her, but this article gave me so much hope. I just wanted to reach through the computer and give that girl a big hug for being such an inspiration and for sharing her story.

Did the bedtime thing by myself tonight with the kids since Joe is working at his second job for the next 5 nights in a row. Kind of got to me when I kissed him goodbye. I might have got a little teary-eyed and I might have hung on to the hug a tad long. I just don't understand where we went wrong in life. Why can he not find the "job"? We are down to bare bones here and we still are struggling. I know we are not alone in this fight, but man, as you are living it, it sure feels like a lonely road.

Well, I think on nights like these when I can just rattle on forever it is best to cut rope and go home.
So goodnight till we meet again.

Day Whatever.

2009-10-05T15:33:00.002-05:00

Well, so much for the daily blogging. How do you keep up Sean Anderson? Might try for a weekly blog and see if I can commit to that.
I think I purposefully have not been writing because I have been so upset with myself and how I have been acting. Yuck and double yuck. I have been acting like I'm a sole mission to replace all this weight lost in one week and my moods have been gutter-like to match.

Today I have made a re-re-commitment to myself to try and do better. That's right there are really two Re's to the commitment. The weather has been perfect for running, yet I haven't run for a week. I have healthy food stocked in my fridge, but still order out. And the new size 6 jeans I had to buy are now too snug to fit, unless the muffin-top would come back in style. Yep, time to recommit to myself.

So far so good for the day. Even with Bella waking up at 5:30am to start the day, which usually makes me grumpy and the dogs going rounds with each other, managed not to compensate with a burger and fry for lunch.
So I need to plan for dinner before the day gets much later because this is my downfall. Oops it's 6pm and I have nothing fixed. Pizza it is! Not today...

On another note, Joe started his weekend job this past weekend and it wasn't that terrible for either one of us. Okay so Friday night was no biggie. I was reading my book and was so engrossed that the time flew by before I realized it was time for him to be home. Saturday was a little different. We had fought all day about kids and money which left me drained and wanting some peace, but once the kids were asleep I was so pent up that I couldn't seem to concentrate on any one thing in particular. Watched a movie, read through my emails, searched houses in Washington, stayed up until he got home at midnight. Ugh! With children that never sleep in, this will not be a great habit to form.

Hoping today brings great news on the Home front for his job search, but since I can't find my cell phone for the life of me, I'll just have to wait until he gets home tonight. Which makes the saying, no news is good news. Right?

Day 10

2009-09-25T07:29:00.002-05:00

Had a pretty good day 10. Rounded the week of school out for Bella and spent the morning with a few of my new Mommy friends. One of them, Samantha, brought me two giant bags of clothes that her son had grown out of and thought maybe Remington would fit in them. Jackpot!

Went to Starbucks with her for non-fat sugar-free lattes and found a low-fat raspberry muffin for Remington, little did he know he shared with the two of us also. Not sure how low-fat it was, (guess I could look it up-not really sure I care) but it was delicious.
Spent the morning walking around Loose Park. They have a beautiful rose garden. Samantha actually said it reminded her of her trip to Italy. I'd go for that. So peaceful and serene. I wished I would've had my camera. Remington was totally digging on the roses and would stop and smell or touch each bloom and then tight walked around a fountain without falling. So cute, missed moment to share. This is the same park Joe and I had our engagement pictures taken almost 8 years ago to this date. October 14, 2001. That's for you honey. I never forget a date.

Once we got back to school and was waiting for our kiddos to finish up. Conversation headed to a marathon, since one of the moms had a KC Marathon shirt on (2007). Ended up not being her shirt, but after talking with everyone and telling them my plans, they all wanted to start walking/running with me in the morning of school. I was so excited. We are all in such different areas of fitness, so we may have to start out slow, but that is what makes a year to train kind of nice. Also this walk/run with the mommies does not have to be my main training, it could simply just be my reconnecting time with adult conversation, while burning calories.

Ran around the rest of the afternoon. Went to my Mom's house, Walked around the mall, let the kids play in the soft play area, checked on the puppies and birds at the pet store.

Pretty good day overall I'd say. The weather right now is perfect!!!! Cool mornings in the 50's then slight warm up to mid 70's. Perfect!

Day 10 Lesson~ You never know what dream you might share with others until you share your own dream out loud.
Puppies make me smile and feel very maternal, even if we are at our max capacity of animals in the house!

Day 9

2009-09-23T20:20:00.002-05:00

Not much to write about today. Finding it hard to write about my life and not always sound so mopey. Nobody likes mopey. I was looking for inspiration to hit me tonight while reading quickly through some blogs and of course went to one of my favorites first, Prior Fat Girl-Jen. I started reading her blog right after her loss of her Mother and my Husband said, "you should check out this blogger, I swear it was you writing or you guys could be best friends."
Isn't that funny? Never met, Jen or even know that much about her and I swear Joe is right. We could be best friends. And her troubles, emotions, sadness, happiness, I feel and understand.
Anyways...she had a link to a new lady tonight, Lindsay. I click over to her and I think. Wow, this lady is right on. I agree 100% that this diet thing and exercise plans are only fun and inspiring the first 2 weeks, if that. Then what? Well, I guess that's why all of us fatty's are finding each other on the world wide web. Sister's of the Fat Pants. Or in a lot of our cases, previous fat pants, who still struggle everyday like we still have those size 14's on.

So thanks guys for making me realize that I'm not the only one out there that struggles and honestly, best wishes to all of you on the best choices each and everyday in reaching our so common goal.

Now, I am going to go downstairs with my honey, curl up on the couch and watch a little Biggest Loser tonight. Go Green team!!!

Day 9 Lesson~ You can't beat a good book that makes you feel like you are the main character.
Marshall's is the best place to buy kids shoes ($12.99 for Carters).
No matter what the scale weighs you in at, it all depends about what is between your ears to how it makes you feel.

Day 8

2009-09-22T20:22:00.003-05:00

Remington, 15 months, Sept 09'

What a shitty day. Pardon my french.

Joe had to leave for work at 6am this morning which meant the dogs went ape in there cages at 6:15 thinking we forgot to let them out to pee which in turn woke Bella up. I convinced her to crawl in bed and cuddle for a few minutes before she was up and running around. One giant sigh and I was up too.
Good news I got Bella to school 10minutes early. Only to grab a speeding ticket on the way home. 55 in a 45. I gave my saddest face possible and he just informed me to go slow and drive safe. I said "Thank you." Why did I say 'thank you'? I don't know, my Mom taught me to be polite (or hide my feelings) cause I really wanted to beg and scream at him that the other cars were going just as fast, if not faster than I was, why did I have to get the ticket and thanks a million sir, cause my husband is going to kill me now. Not sure how many tickets you can have before they take your license away. Might want to check on that one.

Regardless of this setback in my day, I did not fudge on the eating. Not even at a place called "RED X" (some half-price grocery store that my Mom took me to today). The bargains were a plentiful and the fried food was out the wazoo. Fried Catfish (one of my faves), fried chicken, fried potatoes, fried whatever...I resisted the urge many times over as we shopped and even in the check out lanes as my Mom was telling me how delicious the food used to be when she'd stop in on her way to work.

Turns out Joe didn't kill me, probably because he had his second interview today and was offered a part-time job (the angels are singing hallelujah) on the weekends.
He just said, "We all make mistakes." Which was still hard enough for me to swallow. I don't make mistakes...that's the part of my personality that comes straight from the Mason side, I try and keep this evil side of me squished deep down because I know it isn't pretty nor is it right.

Still fighting with Bella to go to sleep tonight. We are in the stage where she gets up and out of bed over and over again until she finally gives up. Pretty frustrating phase. It is a phase right???

Day 8 lesson~when your first task in the morning is cleaning up dog poop you could probably bet on what the rest of the day will look like.
You know you are no longer the hot young girl when you can't cry or flirt your way out of a speeding ticket.
You realize that you are excited not that your husband got a second job but where he got his second job to how much food rules your thinking. Mmmm, Bucca di Beppo.

Day6 & Day 7

2009-09-21T20:31:00.003-05:00

I know, I know. I haven't quit ya before I have even begun ya. The day honestly slipped by me yesterday without me making time for this blog.
Didn't miss much. Made pretty good choices all day. Even turned down the offer of cheeseburger and fries or Chinese food for lunch. That's big for me. Then had a small, reoccurring fight with Joe over football (and hanging pictures) and that's all it took, dinner was pad Thai chicken and shrimp. Now here is where I'd like to write how it tasted so wonderful and made me feel so much better, but it didn't. In fact, they messed up the order and forgot the "spicy" part, which makes Thai food so wonderful and I ate the whole order which should probably be enough for three people. So I was left kind of mopey and grumpy.

Onto day 7

Started the day with my Mother ringing the doorbell way before she really was needed, bringing in bags of McDonald's breakfast for me and the kids. Been "dieting" since March and she still doesn't seem to get it. I risked upsetting her by turning down the food and had a bowl of Kashi, a banana with skim milk. My go-to choice for breakfast during the week, but man did that sausage mcskillet burrito sound so much better. (found out later Meika the dog helped herself to the burrito on top of the stove when she wasn't looking-thanks, Meika for saving me a few thousand calories)
I left Remington with my Mom (hence why she was over so early) and took Bella to school. I stayed for membership mailings with the Board.
*I recently was asked to be Parent Group Liaison for CCVI Friends Board, which I happily accepted. CCVI (Children's Center for the Visually Impaired) is my daughters school which she attends four days a week and is currently in Preschool 2 with Miss. Kitty. This school has been our saving grace for not only our daughter, but also us as parents of a visually impaired child.

Lunch was back at home. Good choice. I made tuna salad (eggs,tuna, pickle relish, light olive oil mayonnaise) yesterday to have for this week and it was so yummy and fresh tasting that I piled it on my 100% whole wheat bread like there was no tomorrow.

Dinner was turkey burgers, no bread, no-fat cottage cheese and baked sweet potato fries (olive oil, salt, pepper 375 oven for 45 min.) I resisted the urge to have seconds.

I ran to the store tonight to buy a few things and as I driving there I started thinking about what I could sneak in without really cheating, but then I realized that I had done so well all day and I wasn't about to mess it up with a snack that probably wouldn't taste as good as it sounded anyways.
Success!
I came home and before I could even sit back down I mentioned to Bella that we could take a stroller ride. (which is a run for us, ride for them) I did this because I knew she would jump all over it, and when you tell Bella something that she wants to do, you better back it up. As she is whiny over me taking to long to tie my shoes, I think wow Mom good job today, now go out and let that wild crazy mutt run your legs off.
The gang and I did a quick mile run and then they parted ways to go take baths while Meika and I continued on with our usual 2 miles. I ran part of the way and walked the remainder.

Feels good. One day in the pocket with choices accounted for and success for small steps.

Day 6 & 7 Lessons~ Place yourself in an uncomfortable situation sometimes to make yourself realize your potential. Running in the cool sprinkles of falling rain water is very refreshing.

Day 5

2009-09-19T21:05:00.002-05:00

Quick, super fast and missing info in tonight's blog.

We were terrible today in food choices. We knew it and we still didn't do anything to stop it, so now I'm kind of pissy over it and wish it would just become easier to make the best choice.

Breakfast-good. Oatmeal with splenda, skim milk and raspberries. (ran out of blueberries the other morning and substituted with frozen raspberries and now it is my new favorite in my oatmeal)

Lunch- not good. Boston Market roasted chicken (skin removed), steamed veggies,...wait it gets worse...mashed potatoes and gravy and sweet potato casserole, one cornbread muffin.

Dinner-awful. Dickey BBQ Turkey, pulled pork, fried okra, baked beans, one buttered roll (only cause there wasn't anymore did I not have more than one fresh, pulled from the oven, steaming hot roll).

We worked on the house all day. Cleaning the garage, ripping into cabinets and reorganizing, doing laundry, sweeping, re-arranging furniture. That is why lunch was out. We hadn't kept track of the time and sure enough it was 12:30 and the kids were letting us know that they were hungry...oops!
Dinner was ate out because my in-laws were up for a visit and always want to eat out. So we took them to this new BBQ place that we had tried a while back and thought they would dig.
Now, our choice to eat poorly at this restaurant wasn't their fault. We have ate out before many times and ordered smartly. Salad, grilled chicken, etc., but today it almost didn't even cross my mind to try something healthier, like I deserved this break. A little kooky in the thinking, I know. Deserved why? I dunno.
(I have tried for years to cook for the ol'In-Laws and still can't figure out if they don't like the cooking or just don't like me cooking. I do use spices and we do eat a variety of things, but variety is the spice of life! Right?)

No exercise today either. Yep, I think I'll just end it on that note.

Day 5 lesson~ Crap accumulates. A clean house makes me smile. 360 day till marathon training should be complete, I wonder if Dickey's BBQ would sponsor me? (just kidding)

Day 4

2009-09-18T15:41:00.003-05:00

Whoohoo it's Friday. I am writing this at a quarter till four and am so antsy I can barely sit still to type, let alone think. And I haven't had any caffeine today. Huh, go figure.

Joe took the day off of work today to go part-time job hunting. And as my Mother said(insert whiny voice), "why would he take off one job to go look for another job?" To which I politely replied, "most places take applications in person and we are hoping they see Joe's winning smile and hire him on the spot." Duh.
I am so torn on this issue of another job. I hate it, but it should've been done years ago. We tried letting me work last fall/holiday season part-time and quickly realized that was not going to fly, with the kids or Joe or our babysitter (my Mom). Joe applied at his current job for a new posting this week. One that would pay him more money and be an advancement. I am crossing my fingers and even my toes that this comes through for us. Joe believes in Karma. Anymore, I'm not sure what I believe in. I just know you have to make your own future by living the present to the fullest of your ability. If this promotion happens there won't be any need for a second job, so please cross your fingers right along with me (toes too if possible).

So we are a tiny bit off schedule today.
I love when Joe doesn't have to wake up early and get ready. Mornings are the perfect cuddle time (that is if you don't breathe on me and vice-a-versa). Bella had other plans, busting into the room Kramer style with her mop-top a bouncing saying "Momma, Dadda, Hi!" We tried to ignore her which only lead her into her brother's room with the same schpiel. Well, so much for sleeping in and so much for cuddling.

Bella had an annual eye exam today at the hospital and two and a half hours later we (Bella and I) were headed home with no real new information. Yep, she still has CVI (cortical visual impairment), her eyes still drift and basically, she is legally blind. Have a nice day!
The good news is we still don't need glasses. Thank God for that considering we can't even get her to wear sunglasses for her light sensitivity issues outside. I couldn't even imagine her having to wear glasses 24/7. Nightmare for Mom and our insurance company, since we would break at least a pair a week. ha

Tonight's dinner is planned for Turkey Burgers and Sweet Potato Fries. One of my all time favorites.
I do have a pre-confession to make. I am pretty sure we will be having Pina Coladas tonight after the kids go to bed. See we bought Dole's 100% Pina Colada Juice the other day and it is so tasty, the only thing it is missing is the rum. I think we will be fixing that problem very soon. It is totally yum-o!!!! Even without the Rum added.

So a run is needed before dinner and drinking, so we can indulge a little later on.

Watched the Biggest Loser premier last night. Whoazers! Love the green team already. Abbey, sweetie you rock!!! and a firefighter as a partner, you can't go wrong.

Lesson for Day 4~ You might as well chill out and enjoy a little one/on/one time with your daughter while visiting the doctors cuz they sure as heck are not in any hurry to get you out of there (we played wild animals crawling around on the floor and actually I got caught under a desk one time growling). oops.
Money does not make a person happy, but it sure does help.
Dole's Pina Colada's Juice is fantastic with or without Rum added

Day 3

2009-09-17T20:04:00.003-05:00

I was re-reading my previous post and realized the only thing I forgot to tell you guys was what underwear I was wearing, so I will try and not make these so lengthy and detailed. Then again, I always feel like one topic leads into another one and they all need to be explained. I guess I will get this blogging thing down before to long.

Man, day four at getting Bella to school and we were even earlier this morning. Almost so early that I felt bad for dropping her off before school official started. The only explanation is that Joe has started to help out getting the kids breakfast before he leaves for work in the morning. Such a little thing and what a big difference. That and I actually drug my body into the shower before seven (I hate mornings).
Meika was once again taken to the dog park after dropping Bella off at school. Remi and I were truly amazed that we had the coolest dog at the park (no offense doggies) and that she is the fastest dog by far. Like that somehow reflects directly onto me. Like oh yeah, you think she's fast, you should see me go.

After school my daughter had her bi-weekly transfusion appointment at the hospital. As I am running around trying to keep two very active kids quiet and cornered in a somewhat decent fashion that ol'feeling starts creeping in. The one that tells me what a bad mom I am and why can't I control them or why do I always feel so frazzled when I am by myself (am I actually sweating). My Mom makes a last minute visit to the hospital to lend a hand. And on one side it was a relief, but on the other side of the coin she has made it very clear that she doubts my ability in most anything, including parenting, marriage and finance.
She proceeds to correct Bella and Remi at every little action and I finally snapped at her saying, "I've got it, alright?". Then I feel like a total bitch and wonder why I feel the need to be so defensive with her.
By the time we have made it back to the car and headed home I am a total emotional wreak. Old Rachel would swing through BK and grab a yummy combo and devour every last morsel, but today I call Joe at work and have him do a quick calorie check on BK's website. Holy Crap. It is no wonder I was fat. A sandwich should not ever reach the 1000 calorie point. That's absurd.
So the new Rachel grabs a Grilled Chicken Salad from McDonald's and steer the car towards the house. One point for Mommy.

The rest of the afternoon goes pretty much without a hitch.
Went to a small Farmer's Market to shop for some fresh fruit and veggies. Steal on sweet potatoes($.75 per lb), Rip off on Apples. $4.50 for 4 apples. They better be the most delicious apples in the entire world.

Made a super dinner of skillet fish fillets and a veggie stir-fry with a few spaghetti noodles thrown in mainly for the kids (they love noodles) seasoned with season salt, ginger, garlic, pepper and a dash of soy sauce. The fish was amazing. Striped pangasius~ never heard of it before, but I swear it tasted like bass and was on sale. I only buy fish that is on sale. ha So we usually eat something different all the time. I love when the shrimp is on sale, four bags of shrimp for me. Holler!

The kids were dying to take a walk tonight, in fact Bella was crying the entire meal waiting for a walk she didn't think would ever happen. So now here's my issue. 7pm is to late to take two walks (one for us/one for the kids) so we let the kids win and take them around the loop. I had Remington while Joe had Meika and Bella. They do a much faster pace then Mr.Small britches.
It was a beautiful night and the neighborhood animals just love to come and visit us while we stroll by, but I truly doubt it burns very many calories or prepares for a marathon.
The good news to this is that I feel like we have and will continue to set great examples for our kids with food choices and exercise, so I guess that should be the big picture here.

The kids are down to sleep and we have a DVR waiting for us downstairs with the "Biggest Loser" on it. I am excited to start a new season and one that we are not saying, "man I could totally win this show" or "let's start a diet with them and see how we do" or "next Monday, that's it, no more" as we eat our Ben and Jerry's ice cream and wish for a smaller waist. No this season we will be watching from the other side. The I did it and so can you side. Whoohoo baby.

Until tomorrow.
Day3 lesson ~ breathe in, breathe out, smile. We can choose to break the cycle at anytime with a little help, from our own will. DVR's are wonderful inventions.

Day 2

2009-09-16T22:41:00.003-05:00

Well I wanted to wait until the end of the day to start writing my blog so I could get a full days worth of goodies into it, but now I am tired and feel rushed to finish this so I can snuggle with my honey and go to bed at a somewhat decent time.

Writing my blog yesterday gave me inspiration and hope. The feeling that this hole that I seem stuck in, isn't really that bad and that I can pull myself out and above it.

Today was the usual rush, rush, rush to get Bella to school on time. Which bravo Mom, I did. Then one of the other Mommies from school and I jumped in my car and headed for a destination walk. The zoo. At first I was a little hesitant to have her ride in my always messy, dog hairy seat, squeaky brake car, but it was great. I did get us a little lost (something I am a tad famous for) but we eventually found our way. Remi was able to play in the play area for the 15 minutes we waited for the zoo to open.
It is so nice to see him run and play with other kids his age and older and not worry if they are staring and wondering what is wrong with him like I worry and wonder with his sister. Something that is not just comparing, but compassion. If you don't have a disabled child you most likely will not understand this emotion and that's okay, I don't expect you to.
Once the zoo opened it was all business. We walked the entire zoo without stopping and at pretty fast clip. It felt great.
I did have a pang of guilt for Remington since he was buckled into a stroller the entire time and not allowed to sight see and be stimulated. I just tried to remind myself that there has to be time for me and he is allowed many other opportunities throughout the day to learn and grow and we did just visit the zoo this past weekend for the kids, so I trudged on! The weather was perfect. I had a ton of pent up adult conversation that needed an ear to bend and the walk was challenging.

I made a great choice for lunch, Shrimp Fettuccine Lean Cuisine. Only one little problem was I was still starving after wolfing it down. I knew this and even searched through the cabinets looking for a healthy extra something to take off the hunger, but since we hadn't visited the grocery store this week we were pretty dried up in the options. I tried to put this from my mind as I ran to CVS to pick up Bella's medicine. Normally I run my car through the drive-thru, but with the squeaky brakes I figured I would go inside and pick up some deodorant too (surprise, had no deo this morning and had to use Joe's-yuck). While inside the store the temptation was very present and as much as I'd love to write that I didn't succumb to it, I can't.
Two sticks of Deodorant, medicine and an Ice cream sandwich please...17grams of fat. So much for that great morning walk.
Good news, I did thoroughly enjoy my ice cream novelty on the ride home.

When Joe got home we went grocery shopping, but the budget is pretty tight so no extra snacks or even many fruit and veggies found their way into the cart. Bananas and Apples. Cheap and plenty.
Supper was quickly upon us and the kids made sure that we hadn't forgot them. So we swung by McDonald's and got them both kids meals and nothing for ourselves. Progress! Yes!!!

I made a delicious dinner with the chicken breast that was thawed and since the kids had already ate I spiced it way up for Joe and I. We love spicy food, but try and keep it reasonable when the kids are going to eat what we eat, but not tonight. Whoot Whoot, Spicy!!!
Mexican frozen veggies (corn, black beans, peppers) can of tomatoes and green chilli's, hot sauce and red pepper flakes with a sprinkle of cheddar cheese. Then I steamed a bag of 1o0% whole grain brown rice and served it with the chicken blend. Oh my~ so good. Sometimes I surprise myself with my creations.
We quickly cleaned up the mess and tied up the shoe laces for a quick run before it was the kids bedtime. We might need to start adjusting our nights since it is getting darker earlier.
Meika (the dog) was beyond ready to go for a run and was pulling at my bad back something fierce (in fact she broke her leash!) so Joe took her for the first half which left me with the running stroller. I have never been that great with the stroller. I have always needed my arms when it comes to running, and even more so on hills, but I made it all the way to our usually stopping point without stopping once. I was on fire. That is my lungs were on fire, but after Joe and I switched babies for a crazy dog, Meika gave me no choice but to run again.
There might be a giant bonus to having a super charged overgrown puppy. I did make her stop a few times to catch my breath and keep dinner down (I hate to puke, did enough of that with two pregnancies, thank you very much) and we had to skip one of the loops for bath time, but yay me.

Yay me for eating a better dinner than what I have been eating the last several weeks. Yay me for running when I sure didn't feel like it. Yay me for getting the kids out the door this morning. Yay me for spending time on myself today (walking at the zoo with a friend and not being only in mommy mode).
Boo-hoo on me for picking up the ice cream sandwich and enjoying it as much as I did.

So Day 2's lesson~Life is a rushing moment in time. Everyone has a different stress or chaos that they are currently living. Sometimes you just need to slow down and enjoy the smell of the zoo early in the morning before the animals cages have been cleaned to fully enjoy your own life.
Never write a blog this late at night! And Holy Crap 26.2 miles is a long way when my little 2 mile run pooped me out! I gotta a long way to go baby.

Day 1

2009-09-15T14:24:00.003-05:00

I have decided to start blogging daily like Sean . What about? I'm not sure yet. I just feel like there is so much inside of me right now that if I don't get it out I am going to drown in my own thoughts.
I figure this will be about weight loss, marathon training, being a mom, being a woman and just plan being. It may be boring and sometimes depressing or funny, but since I only have one follower at this time (thanks honey) I shouldn't bore to many people.

First off, yes I am still struggling with weight loss. I wrote my last blog with only 10 more pounds to go and now on this date we might make it close to 15 pounds. What is going on? I am so depressed over our financial situation that I am once again turning to food for my comfort. Oh, we have no money to go to the store, but I will swing by and grab a giant helping of burger and fries please with a diet coke. ha I am now one of those people. "Yes, I need a number 5 combo with a diet coke. "
So, help me God. I refuse to be held down any longer by this weight...so more to come on this subject I'm sure. As for today, I made a poor lunch choice at Panda Express after not eating enough for breakfast this morning and a starving stomach and screaming children lead my car in their direction. Squeaky brakes and all. (my brakes started squeaky last week and 'I don't do cars' so they will just keep squeaking until Joe takes them in to have them fixed or my Mom catches wind of them and offers to fix them since she is a mechanic at heart) For now, I just try and swing in the parking spaces with as little braking as possible. Good thing the kids are buckled in!

Marathon~ Yep, I wrote it out and now it will be forever haunting me to bring this goal around to being true. Joe has been talking Tri's for sometime and I never had the urge to do that with him, but I received an email from the Kansas City Marathon in October (why, I don't know) but as I am looking all around the site I just kept getting more excited and more excited. So, I'm gonna do it. Not this years, I'm not that dislusional, but 2010. So that gives me a year to train for it (hence why this is called day 1). I know nothing about running distance even back in school when we had to do distance I hated it with a capital H, but Joe and I have been running the last couple of months close to 2 miles a night and minus the giant hill, I do pretty well and just stop because we are back at home and our route is completed.
I have a new running buddy, Meika, the Boxador(no longer) homeless dog with boundless energy, so I am going to take advantage of her and use her to train with.
Sometime next spring I will try for a half-marathon and see where I am at physically and will try and sign up for every 5k, benefit race KC offers to keep me going and steady.
Enough about that for now.

As for being a Mom and a woman. Super depressed. Not sure really what is going on. I feel exhausted, cranky and just down in the dumps. Messed my neck up carrying Bella a few weekends ago and even after visiting the chiropractor (which could not get me in without consequent visits) is still killing me and causing these giant headaches everyday.
We have no extra money to go to a different chiropractor that was recommended to me by a friend and he of course is not in our network for insurance so he would be extra. So that is frustrating that he seems just beyond my reach and yet I need him so much.

I finally had a hair cut a few weekends back (same day as the bad back deal). I went to a new place, which was no where near as nice as I'm used to (huge salon snob with no money for huge salon prices) but after only paying $40 instead of $80 I was feeling pretty good about it. She didn't do "messed up, piecey cropped bob" that I asked for, but at least I didn't have mis-matched sides. Been there done that. I didn't allow her to color my hair, even though my sparkles(grays) were showing something terrible, thinking I could save even more money if I just used the at home dye that was sitting under my sink.
Yep, I read the date and everything on the box before I began and hadn't realized how old it was, but what could it hurt?
Well, now that I have different degrees of black to my hair and it looks like I'm trying to impression a vampire, I now realize how important that expiration date might have been.
It will fade...eventually.

So with my attitude, dark drabby hair, and scarce funds, the whole woman, mommy thing is taking a pretty hard hit. Not to mention the few extra pounds I have allowed to slip back on.

Day 1 to begin a new chapter.

self sabatoge

2009-08-17T15:03:00.007-05:00

183lbs March 2009

I wanted to write this blog for me. Taking a little of my own advice. Yes, that's hard to swallow sometimes for me. I haven't blogged about my weight loss or my struggles. Kind of thought that was my Husbands deal and I would leave that for him, but last night as I couldn't sleep again. I laid in bed thinking about all the "bloggers" he had just introduced me to and how reading about their struggles and daily life issues really had my mind a reeling.

I started my life style change in March 2009 a few months after my husband's diet change in January. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to start or stop one more diet and I sure wasn't ready to let go of my comfort that I had developed with food. So for a few more months I was a total bitch and as he ate his lean cuisine I would order Chinese food, pizza, wings, KFC or make up a giant batch of fettuccine. I was almost daring him to stay on the dark side with me. Stay in the place where we were comfortable, not happy, just comfortable.

See, before my pregnancy in 2005, I never really had a weight issue. I pretty much ate what I wanted and occasionally worked out. A long walk with the dogs or an elliptical machine marathon or maybe dust off the Bow flex for a few workouts. I never got the issue that people had with weight loss. Just do it. It's not that hard. Oh, this was some major fights between Joe and I.
During my pregnancy I was a model citizen. No pop, no candy (okay a stray brownie did find it's way into my mouth, but rarely) lots of fruit and veggies and plenty of whole grains. I believed wholly in the theory healthy mom, equals healthy baby.
Well as most of you know that isn't exactly how it ended for us. Our baby was not healthy in any way, shape or form. And as I sat in the NICU for the next eight weeks the baby weight that I had gained (30lbs exactly) melted off of me. My appetite was no longer thriving, but neither was my activity level, so they matched each other.
It wasn't until we brought our baby home did I start to see a problem with myself. I would find myself crying and eating at the same time. Worrying and eating, Laughing and eating. I think you get the picture. I was medicating myself with food. My marriage was rough, my baby was damaged and my life was forever changed in ways I couldn't comprehend.

I gained the first 10 lbs and I remember thinking. "No big deal. I'll just diet when I feel better." I remember seeing my 26Th birthday pictures that Joe took of me and thinking, "ugh, I might need to watch myself a little closer. I can't believe how fat I look." I allowed myself to accept the excuses that people gave me and I gave myself.
"You just had a baby."
"Staying home is hard, you'll find you niche."
"You have more things to worry about now then your weight."
"I don't have time to exercise, let alone shower."

Then in October of 2007 I found out I was pregnant again. My first Doctor's appointment was rough. I remember stepping on the scale and thinking "SH*T, I'm about to add another 30 lbs to this number!"
I wasn't as diligent with my second pregnancy as my first. Fast food was almost always on the menu and even an occasional pop found its way in my stomach and I'm certain that Brownies were always eaten in large portions.
I ended my pregnancy at a whopping 203 lbs. (I am only 5'2") I will always remember this number because no matter what, I promise myself I will never see this number again no matter what.
The 3o lbs (exactly) I gained fell off immediately, thanks to a very hungry breast feed baby.

The remainder of the weight stayed put and stayed put good. I tried my previous tactics of cutting back for a few days, or going for a quick walk, even jumping on my daughter's trampoline for a total of 2 minutes before quitting. But this time the scale didn't move, in fact, August 2008 I actually gained even more weight.

183lbs
This is where I stayed, teeter and tottering, a few numbers back and forth until March of 2009. When I finally wrapped my brain around itself and took control of my life.
Now, at 140.8 (this morning) I am finding myself at yet another impasse.

I have realized that I am keeping myself from succeeding. Why? I don't know. Scared? Maybe, of what, I'm not sure.
My goal is 130lbs. And the lowest the scale has read is 137lbs on my birthday, but since that date I have been on a mission to make this number further from my grasp.
The cravings have started again, the depression over everything (life itself) gaining in momentum, almost enjoying the softness that my body is getting from the lack of exercise, the exhaustion from the poor eating. Watching as the scale has slowly climbed back up~until last night as I read Jack Sh*t Getting Fit's blog about the boiling frog, did I realize what I had been doing.

So here I am today. August 17, 2009. Making a new commitment to myself to lose those last 10 lbs and finally feel the success and happiness that comes along with the joy of looking and feeling great again.

Breakfast- Oatmeal, Splenda, Skim Milk and Blueberries
Lunch- Lean Cuisine (Swedish Meatballs) and a sliced Homegrown Tomato
Dinner- Making Turkey Chili (in the works as we speak)
Dessert -No ice cream or brownies or chocolate cake- Gonna try fresh raspberries and hope that does the trick.

I can do this!!!

140lbs August 2009

My Love

2009-08-01T12:23:00.003-05:00

As he got into his car to drive away and I walked the two children back into the house I was overwhelmed with emotion. I sat eating my lean cuisine and realized I was blinking back tears. From what and why? I sat for a moment as I shared my meal with 3 dogs and two, somehow still hungry, children and came upon the conclusion that it was pride that had me so close to tears.

Pride at how my Husband looked in his suit for his best friends wedding. Pride for how determined and motivated he has stayed over the last 8 months. Pride for knowing that he was all mine and always will be. Pride for the confidence that was radiating off of him that was not there just a few months back. Pride for the patience he was keeping as I clicked off pictures of him even though he was running late.

Joe, I am so proud of you! You have done an amazing job with your weight loss (115lbs so far) and your strive to better yourself, for not only you, but also your family. This means such a great deal to me when just 3 years ago I wondered how much longer your body (and the good Lord) was going to allow you to stay on this earth with us.

And I totally agree with the unspoken words of Bella when she seen you in your suit. "Hubba Hubba Dad!" At least that's what I believe her eyes said and would've spoken if possible.

We love you and support you 100%. Way to go my love.

R

My Little Green Duck

2009-06-30T21:30:00.003-05:00

Yesterday afternoon after Joe got off work we headed over to my Mom's to go swimming in her pool. I wasn't really looking forward to this on this particular day. It had been a long and exhausting day and the kids were both grumpy right along with me. The pool was revitalizing! The water was the perfect temperature and even Remington, who is not much of a water bug yet, seemed to be enjoying himself.

This past weekend Bella had started jumping off the edge as we would catch her before she went under and this would delight her for hours, but yesterday as she kept pushing herself off the edge and away from the ladder she would start kicking like there was no tomorrow. Mostly this was working, at least enough it seemed to spark a hope in her that maybe she could swim. So over and over again she would push herself away from the ladder and slowly sink under the water.
This was enough to make me a tad nervous and excited, so I mentioned to her that Jared, her cousin, had a vest that he wore to help him stay afloat so he could swim.
Now, we have tried this vest many times before in the past and she has never been successful with it nor loved wearing it, but yesterday was different.
We tried the vest on, it was bright green with a zipper in the back, and she immediately jumped in and started kicking away, but this time, she was able to swim without sinking. Bella started giggling and yelling, "Momma, Dadda".
And that was that...she became my little swimmer!

I kept telling her she was just like a turtle in her little green vest and it took me a second to realize what she was trying to tell me. When I would call her a turtle she would shake her head no and say "Mom" and her hand was signing under the water "Duck". When I finally put them all together, I asked her if she wanted to be a green duck not a turtle and she said "shyeah", and swam away (with me trailing behind laughing)

On the car ride home through very sleepy eyes she kept saying "Mom, grrr "(thats her grandma Dee) and signing 'green' 'duck'. I would say, "Yes, Bella you were a green duck in Grandma Dee's Pool", and she would say yeah and go back to listening to her music.

So here's to you my Little Green Duck. I am so proud of you!!! I love you!

Today is my Birthday!

2009-06-26T14:15:00.004-05:00

Today is my birthday. I know, whoohoo right? Well, for me Birthdays are a big thing and this year is no different. I turned 29 today. This is kind of a mixed one for me on many levels. I feel for one that my youth is gone, my last year in my twenties. Where am I? What do I have to say for myself? On the other hand, I am so glad that this is my last year in my twenties. Do you know how many times I'll be in a great conversation and someone will mention age and completely shut down when they find out I'm only twenty-whatever. Like I am too young to know or understand life or that my opinion is cheapned because I am not the same as them.

Every year as it approached our birthdays my Mom would always tell my Sister and I that whatever we wanted to do or eat was our choice, for the whole day, it was our special day.
I was always a lucky summer birthday, unlike my sister who is a January and always ice'd out of having a birthday party. Nope, not mine. The hotter the better. That just meant more swimming, more ice-cream and more reasons why we had later bedtimes. Still means the same things to me today, expect so far the kids still have to go to bed at the same time, so I can enjoy a later bedtime by myself with my Husband...

It also meant that it was almost Fourth of July. Which is one of my most favorite holidays. Growing up we always spent Fourth of July down at my Grandma's house. Those were some of the best memories that I have of growing up. All my Aunt's, Uncle's and Cousins would be over sprawled out on the front lawn under the shade trees either on blankets with the babies or sitting in the old green chairs that would leave color marks on your clothes.
We would eat watermelon that was always so cold and juicy and drink ice cold pop (no name brands, just orange, grape and cherry) that was stuck on ice in a big metal tub and run in and out of the house collecting bottle rockets and black cats, until it was dark and then all my Uncle's would file into the country road and start setting up the big displays. Which, were by todays standards probably not very big, but back then to me they seemed marvelous. Yep, those were the days!!!

So bring on the celebrations! Today is my birthday. My one day a year that is all mine! Guess, what I'm gonna do?
Go swimming, eat ice-cream (cake) and stay up past my bedtime. Some things never change no matter what the age! I'll worry tomorrow about what I'm going to do with my life and where I want to be in the next 5-10 years

My Mom Moments

2009-06-24T14:33:00.001-05:00

So, my day started off a tad rough. Kids wanted to sleep in, refused to eat breakfast, stuck in traffic, missed my exit due to a traffic jam on the way to preschool. All this equaled super late getting Bella to school and one very frazzled mom with a cranky, post-day shot, given one year old in the back seat. I pull through McDonalds and order a large Non-fat, Sugar Free Vanilla Cappuccino (yes, still trying to lose another 15 pounds) and hope this keeps me from quitting my poor paying excuse for a job, called SAHM, or housewife, or full-time Mommy (whatever title you want to give it). The drive back home is soothed by the warmth of the liquid and further soothed by the 100% whole wheat toasted english muffin with sugar- free jelly. Now my day is starting to look up. I think I actually sigh out loud.
One year old, Remington, is now happy toddling around playing with toys without fighting for the right to them. I'm sitting on the couch watching a dvr'd recording of Jack Hanna (love that guy and his awesome job that I could totally do in another life).
I mellow out competely and quit feeling sorry for myself before the caffenine kicks in and sends me in overdrive. I vacuum the entire upstairs, start a load of clothes, clean both kids rooms and play with Remington. By the time 11am rolled around and it was time to head back to school to pick up Bella I was beginning to think I had this mommy thing down, I just needed doses of caffeine to help complete me.

After a always crazy lunch of mix/match items and sharing with the dogs (3 spoiled weiner dogs) I start to clean up the kitchen. Bella goes upstairs and out the doggie door and Remi is content playing in the kitchen with me. I usually don't worry to much about Bella being outside for a few minutes by herself. We have a fenced in yard, as baby-proofed as a yard gets, with lots of toys to play with.
Soon I hear Bella clumping back down the stairs and when she gets to the bottom says, "Yeah Mom." *

*Isabella has many abbrivations after her name CP (Cerebral Palsy), PVL (Periventricular Leukomalacia), CVI (Cortical Visual Impairement) and CA (Congenital Afibrinogenemia, okay so this one, I made up the abbrivation) so basically she is severaly disabled but is amazing at the progress she has made and continues to make. Speech is one of the slowest ones to come along.

I turn to see what she is "yeahing" and immediately notice no diaper and the smell of poop. "Bella did you poop?" As if this is a question I need to ask at this point, but figure if she becomes aware of the fact of, maybe it will further along the potty training process. Her legs have poop on them, her hands are covered, a few spots on the face and of course her rear end.
She replies with her usual, "ahhuu". The first intial response is to spank her. Doesn't she know better than this? I quickly decide that the answer is, no, she doesn't know better or she wouldn't have come down the stairs so proud of herself. So my second response is just automatic clean up mode. Don't think, just do!
I grab hold of her and carry her carefully up the stairs and into our bedroom in search of the missing diaper which is outside and being inspected closely by a dog. "Bella stay right here and don't move or touch anything," I say as I rush out and save the diaper or save the dog (depends how you look at that one) then grab Bella and push her towards the shower.
The smell is beyond pleasant as I close the door and watch as Remi bangs on the shower door wondering why he has been left out of the water play.
I wash her throughly, twice and finally slide open the door for Remington to join us which he happily climbs in as I remove his diaper (which he has pooped in too at this time). So the process starts over, wash twice with Dad's body wash and throw in hair shampoos and conditioners while I'm at it, then scrub down the shower and make sure it is clean again.

I wonder if this is normal everyday mommy moments? Is this just part of being a Mother to a diabled child? Will Bella ever get that when you poop it is suppose to be in the potty and then flushed without touching it?

I don't know the answers to any of these questions or the many more that float around in my head 24/7 but I have decided to start blogging about them. Hopefully someone out there understands me and what I am going through and can provide some answers or much needed advice.